Searching for Balance

Today I need to address an issue that has been bugging me for a long time now.

I was once a person who had tremendous self-discipline.
I mean, it was Legendary.
I was known for it.
Admired for it.
People were in awe of it.

People who cared about me suggested I should cut myself some slack and relax.

I reflected on this advice and decided I would give it a spin. It turned out I was just as good at having zero discipline as I was at having 100% discipline.

I have always had a way of describing my self that goes “I don’t do grey”.
I mean it insofar as I am a person who is an either / or.
I do something totally or I don’t do it at all.
I love completely or I have no interest.

Everything I do is extreme.

Let me tell you, this does not make for an easy or happy life!
I stress.
I worry.
I get anxious.
Or I am completely zen and calm.
I chillax.
Never a halfway point.

When I had amazing self-discipline I lost lots of weight, got abs of steel, arms to die for.
My skin glowed, my eyes sparkled, I had energy to burn.

But people worried I was being too hard on myself.
They were right.

I loosened the diet and exercise regime.
I relaxed…
Nothing terrible happened.
I relaxed a bit more.
Then a bit more.
Now I eat too much.
Drink too much.
I hardly ever move at all.

It is complete luck that I am still wearing size 6 jeans. At my peak of fitness I was wearing age 11 jeans however. (its important to note I am incredibly short). Which I now accept is ridiculous for a grown adult woman.

I suspect by anyones standards I could not be considered overweight today.
It is my standard that is too high.
I miss my tight, toned abs, my sculpted triceps, my cheekbones!
I miss the feeling of satisfaction that came from feeling in control.

I know now, with hindsight, that I was pretty unhealthy back in the “good old skinny days”.
I realise that I was perhaps being unkind to myself rather than simply exercising strong self-discipline. It was perhaps more like self deprivation? Self punishment?

But the sheer gluttony and slothfulness I am practising now is not healthy either.
I think I am still being unkind to myself.
I need to figure out why.
I need to try to find some balance in my life.
I need to learn to moderate.

I am seriously, truly concerned that this is going to be impossible for me though.
As a “don’t do grey” person, how do I learn to make the shift to a balanced approach to life, food, drink, exercise?

I want to catch this now before I do return to being overweight and unfit.

I want to catch this before I start to seriously punish and hurt myself, health wise.

I want to figure this out.

I will try…



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