Wise words indeed.
Have you ever felt completely blindsided by “stuff” you thought you had dealt with, only to discover you had in fact merely buried it?
Do you find it easy or difficult to ‘let go’ of things that have hurt you?
I have recently been ambushed by feelings that I truly thought I had dealt with, that have hit me full on with a force I have been left shaken by. This has caused me to struggle daily with feeling angry, sad, betrayed, isolated and confused.
Some experiences I’ve had of late have repeated patterns I hadn’t even consciously realised existed. It was in reflection as to why I was feeling so very betrayed and angry, that I realised the things that had recently happened, in fact mirrored several experiences from my past. The fact that the betrayal came from the same person who hurt me before made it all the harder to cope with.
I questioned how could I have not remembered things like this had happened before?
How could I have blocked it out?
How could they do it to me again and, maddeningly, how could I have let it happen?
I confronted the person head on. Many harsh words were exchanged. Following several long days and nights of fighting and discussion, in equal measure, he came to acknowledge and understand the patterns we have followed for so long. I agreed to forgive, but not to forget again.
This hurt I was carrying was not serving either of us.
I thought I had built my bridge and gotten over it…
In a sudden flash I find myself back feeling hot, fiery residual anger. My vision clouds over, my blood pressure rises, I begin to feel serious, murderous rage.
What the fuck is happening to me?
Why am I unable to let go of the hurt?
Am I simply an unforgiving, malicious cow? Am I the bad person here? Am I merely drawing out the punishment?
Or do I maybe not trust that I will not the betrayed and hurt again?
Perhaps that is the crux of this issue. Is it really possible to ‘let go’ of hurt, if you do not feel safe and secure that you will not be dealt the same blow again?
When trust is broken, can it ever be truly, one hundred percent, regained?
I understand it is my responsibly to either grant the person another chance to prove the mistakes of the past will not be repeated, or to decide the trust is well and truly gone. That scares me.
So, back to the quote that started this post…
Can I let go of hurt? It is not serving me well.
Do I want to?
Am I ready to?
How have you guys and gals coped with feeling hurt and let down? I would love to hear about your experiences.
Thanks for taking time out with me.