First things first, I must proclaim that I am probably the only woman who has not read the infamous 50 Shades trilogy. I did read a few extracts, and I found the “Holy Cow!” declarations by the heroine to be possibly the least sexy language ever used to describe a grown woman’s reaction to an impressive erection.
However I must also admit that my interest in the film is borderline obsessive…
This is because of my mega-crush on the beautiful, Godlike creature that is Jamie Dornan.
*pause while I hyperventilate at the very thought of Him
Dornan first came to my attention in the excellent BBC drama The Fall, playing the sexiest goddamned serial killer you will ever see on screen. In addition to his dark brooding good looks, his portrayal of a loving family man who harbours a monstrous dark sideline in rape and murder was truly impressive. He managed to make the audience actually feel sympathy towards his Jekyll and Hyde character.
I found it a strange experience to be so strongly attracted to a man who, in real life, I would be terrified of.
If you have not seen this drama I strongly recommend you do a search for it on Netflix. You will not be disappointed and they are about to show the second season here soon.
I have since spent shameless hours trawling the Internet for news, articles and, of course, photos of my new love.
I have spent even more hours staring into space as I play out wonderfully filthy fantasies involving him and I.
And no I don’t think I can bring myself to share them with you here. (Although I am considering starting another blog as a place to unleash the darker, dirtier side of kittykat… stay tuned.)
I have followed him on Twitter.
I have learned that he played rugby in college and he has a golf handicap of 13.
I have followed him on Instagram.
I laughed out loud as I watched him on The Graham Norton Show, where he was delightfully funny and self-deprecating about his silly walk. Watch it and enjoy, it really is very funny.
I have discovered he can sing as well as act, and I have created a Spotify playlist for his band, Sons of Jim, which sadly, has been on hiatus since 2008.
I have actually tweeted him to tell him I enjoyed his music.
Yes, yes, yes, pathetic for a woman of my age!
But you know what? I don’t care!
This teenage-behaviour is not a new thing for me.
Which leads me on to…
I am sure I am not alone in having a List of people, (celebrities, to be fair), that I get to have a Free Pass with if I ever, (as if!), got the chance to be with them.
My long-suffering OH is begrudgingly tolerant of The List, which, I must add, is ever-changing and growing. So much so, that he can never be entirely sure who is on it at any one day.
Over the years it has included such objects of desire as…
To name but a few…
I have repeatedly asked the OH who he would like to add to a List for himself, but he firmly holds out that he has no desire to compile such an inventory. I have gone so far as to demand he have at least on Free Pass… he tells me nothing.
I think it is perfectly healthy for me to find other men attractive, and to enjoy the odd fantasy here and there, and I honestly would not have any problems with the OH doing the same. But I guess maybe we are all different and perhaps he tells the truth and simply does not harbour dark desires for other women. Seeing as I am perfectly ok with it, he has no reason to lie to me.
But returning to my latest Object of Desire, the divine Dornan, I do feel a slight bit peeved that, for the role of Christian Grey, they have striped him of all that makes him so masculine and sexy.
As I stated at the outset, I did not read the novels so I am completely ignorant of how the character was described in them, but it escapes me why the producers opted to remove Dornan’s beard and body hair.
Instead of the dark, brooding Dornan we saw in The Fall, the epitome of masculinity and menace, we have a hairless, sanitized version of the man as Grey.
I wonder why this decision was made?
NOT that it will deter me from going to the cinema, with a no-doubt unenthused OH, to watch the Object Of My Desire in glorious HD on the big screen.
Will they release a 3D version? Oh God, I need to breathe…
Maybe I should even rethink my decision not to read the novels. At least now I can read them and picture Dornan, my hairy bearded Dornan, as Grey.
I sense a while lot of new devilish fantasies on the way…
I’m off for a cold shower.