I have been very open about my depression on this blog. But, I also live with a pretty serious-as-all-fuck medical condition, which I am not ready to share with you guys and gals yet, if ever.
Don’t worry people, I’ll survive… I hope! (sorry, dark humour!)
Part of my condition is that stress, emotional highs, emotional lows, over-excitement or tension all can leave me completely drained, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I have been sharing too much of myself for a while now. Spreading myself too thin. Offering way too much of myself to people. Not keeping enough back for just me.
My overwhelming desire to be there for people and to listen and help them has resulted in me coming to the realisation that I have actually been damaging myself.
(Don’t misunderstand me. I’m no saint! I can have my mean moments too, and it is entirely my responsibility to look after myself. The people who I listened to and talked to are not to blame for my downturn. At all. They reached out and it was my choice to respond. I just responded too much and gave too much. If that even makes sense…)
I love listening to people. I love helping them. It is my default position to step up and offer support and a shoulder to anyone who calls out for it. It is why I studied psychology and became a counselor and educator.
It is why I DM entirely too much on twitter and have made very close friendships as a result, (hi girls! you know who you are!).
However, of late I have been counselling, (for want of a better word), several people via DM and messaging and I have found that I can offer no more. I became physically, entirely fatigued and drained. My head was a mess. Concentration and focus was a struggle.
I wondered why I was feeling so awful. Then it dawned on me… too much interaction, too much emotion, too much of everything.
I posted a tweet saying I was taking a twitter break and left.
I spent two days bingeing on Greys Anatomy, lying on the sofa with my two dogs.
Doing absolutely sweet fuck all.
It was sublime!
In the past, I would have beaten myself up over such self-perceived laziness and selfishness and, as a result, would have stressed myself out even further.
I have learned however, to accept that it is neither lazy nor selfish. It is basic self-care. I need to remove myself from overly emotional situations sometimes, take some space to allow myself to re-energise and reboot.
Watching silly, escapism TV shows, reading and listening to music are my saviours.
(And writing. Always writing. Welcome people, to my own little therapists couch!)
I play my playlist every day. Several times over.
There are songs there that cheer me up.
Songs that make me dance.
Songs that speak straight to my soul.
Two words… Ed Sheeran.
But the past couple of days have been music-less. I didn’t even have the energy for that.
Instead I lay and watched countless episodes of my guilty pleasure and allowed my brain to simply switch off.
Now? I am beginning to feel better. Physically, I need more rest, but I feel well enough to organize my thoughts and attempt to update this blog, which I feel I have neglected of late.
Anyone reading this who follows me on twitter, I do hope you are not ever scared to call on me for help or a listening ear after reading this. As I said, it is in my nature to be there for people. Just allow me to be the judge of whether I have the headspace and energy and, never, ever, feel bad about shouting out for a shoulder.
I simply didn’t take enough care of myself recently. My bad, not yours!
So, I am off to watch another few episodes and chill out.
I will be back to twitter, in time… please come chat with me when I come back!
p.s. I’m back listening to my music!
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