Looking back…

Today a new follower commented on an old post of mine.    (Welcome new follower!)

The comment made me scratch my head in puzzlement. I could not even remember the post, so I had to search back through my blog to find it.

I was actually shocked to read the words I had written. I was clearly in a very bad place when I wrote them. I was hating myself, feeling like a failure and I spoke about myself with contempt.

The sadness and desperation that leapt from the screen felt so incongruent with the way I feel about myself today.

Having been spoiled to pieces by the OH for my birthday yesterday, and the fact that I am actually liking what I see in the mirror these days, I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now.

For a short while, I actually considered going back and deleting the post, as it felt that it doesn’t reflect me as I am today.

I was conflicted. It is not how I feel right now, but it was true when I wrote it.

A comment the OH made over breakfast very much reflected my feelings about some of my older blog pieces…

I have two girlfriends that he knows that I confide in.

One I spoke to a lot at a time when the OH and myself were having a very difficult time. I was deeply unhappy and leaving felt like a real option. She listened to me a lot during that period of time and I will always be grateful for her counsel. The OH is convinced, based on what I told her, that she hates him!

My other friend has gotten to know me more recently and has heard me talk about the OH in a different way entirely, as we have managed to resolves several of our differences since the dark days earlier this year. The OH has even ‘chatted’ to her through me on Skype, as I tell her things he says in response to something she has said. She genuinely likes him, finds him funny, (he is), and thinks, quite correctly, that I am lucky to have him.

So, this morning, after me telling him about my new follower and my delve back into the archives of my blog, he says to me, “You know, if those two ever met each other they would describe two totally different men? One knows one side of me and the other knows a different side.”

I thought about this and I had to agree.

Readers, I do hope you realise that whatever you read here is simply a snapshot of me, and my life, at the given point in time that I am writing.

The KittyKat typing these words today is a very different woman to the one who wrote such a sad and sorry post earlier this year, and for that matter, the KittyKat you might read tomorrow or next week could well be a completely new version of me.

We all change over time.

Me? I change from one day to another.

One day I’m crazy-happy and energised and another day you will find me despondent, tired and irritable. As I have said before, I don’t do grey!

Relationships change too.

The OH and I are in a good place now, but there is no guarantee it will remain that way.

What we have is strong but it is very delicate at the same time.

Our strength comes from a very deep sense of friendship and respect for each other, and as of tomorrow, 23 years of shared history.

Our fragility is that we are very, very different people from the ones we were all those years ago. We grew up together, but some of that was growing apart.

We are very different types of people too.

He is meticulous, slow, focused.

I am a bundle of chaotic energy, creative, sloppy and have way too many projects on the go at any one time.

I am impatient.

He takes forever to get ready, his motto is “five more minutes…”

I am adventurous, rebellious and very open minded, (youngest child syndrome).

He is reserved, conservative and follows the rules, (oldest child syndrome).

However we share a very dark, filthy and disturbed sense of humour, and we have learned to adjust our different personalities to tolerate, if not always approve of, each other’s quirks.

He once said I only ever write negative things about him here.

That may have a nugget of truth, because, when we were in trouble, I vented and released my misery through the cathartic process of writing. I was not in a place to wax lyrical about the man who had hurt and betrayed me, (sorry babe! But it is true, and you know it!).

However, that man has made efforts to change and to understand the way his behaviour damaged us.

That is partnership.

Dealing with the shit that happens, doing what it takes to make things right again, and finally, and this is the hard part, forgiving each other for wrongdoings.

So, to my new follower… that post you read this morning was a 100% accurate portrayal of who I was and where my life was at that point.

If you stick around, you will no doubt see the other sides of me and my life.

Everything I write here is 100% truth, raw and honest. Even if the OH might not like it, or if I offend anyone, (never intentionally), or if I regret it later. Always truth.

I hope you enjoy the ride!

Ciao!

💋

*

Copyright, 2014,  k1kat.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.

 

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One thought on “Looking back…

  1. This is so beautifully said, sis. Wow, I identify with every word… though I suspect that I, right now, am more in line with where you were then. But I don’t doubt I’ll come out of it. I think better things await. But I think there’s a lot to get through before then.

    As for OH’s observation, yeah, he’s a smart cookie 😉 And I think you’re both fortunate to have one another. It is far easier to be ‘in love’ with a person than it is to just ‘love’ them. Takes significant guts to love another.

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