My Demon

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This sums me up.

I have an insanely self-destructive nature. Always have had, for as long as I can remember.

I self-sabotage, self-harm, repeat mistakes whilst fully aware that I am doing so. I drive myself, (and people who care about me), crazy.

I have one massively self-destructive habit in particular that I simply cannot seem to shake off.

My Dark Demon.

I am aware of it; actually, it takes up far too much space in my head every waking, (and frequently dreaming), moment.

I know I need to stop it. I need to confront it and deal with it.

It is detrimental to my health and well-being, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

I have tried to fix this on my own with zero success but I am loath to seek any help from outside.

Why? I do not know.

I tend to think I am a strong person with most aspects of life. I have overcome more than my fair share of adversity and survived.

I generally have this attitude to life:

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But this one thing lingers.

Sits on my shoulders and weighs me down.

I feel unable to find that power within myself. It feels impossible. Hopeless.

I know this week is not the week I will conquer this demon, but I truly hope I’ll get there… sooner rather than later.

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com
All rights reserved.

Writing this was meant to help me focus and work this out. Seems I have failed at that too!

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15 thoughts on “My Demon

  1. Doesn’t mean you’ve failed at it. You talked about it. You wrote it out. That’s a start. Writing has a way of helping us relieve some of the burden of our inner demons. *hugs* I relate entirely to this. I am very destructive and it can be scary. I fight with myself all the time.

  2. Reminds we of the tale of two wolves in each of us; one good & one bad. Also failure v success; there’s a Japanese term kazia or something-it’s the principle of drop by drop. Yes a drop doesn’t will a bucket but in time drop after drop until that one drop DOES overflow the bucket.

  3. The dark demon, huh…I have a few of those myself. I self-sabotage, I have self-destructive habits (well, I’m down to one self-destructive habit, that of smoking cigarettes, when I visit the casino, I lose too much (because I don’t know when to quit), when I shop, I spend too much…I don’t drink anymore, I treat with a doctor for depression, and I can (falsely) tell myself I’m winning the battle against my dark demons, but I’m kind of OK with the fact that I still have a few dark demons. I feel like I’d be too boring if I didin’t have any dark demons.

  4. She doesn’t call them demons, but my fencing coach frequently talks about mental distractions — doubt, disappointment, despair (all d-words, along with demon; yeah, I’ve read too much Sandman) — that prevent us from executing our skills on strip. She recommends not conquering those and impulses, or dismissing them, but rather controlling them, like you would harness a wild beast. Use that energy, rather than letting it destroy you.

    At the risk of playing amateur psychologist, I wonder if her advice would be helpful to you. Perhaps your self-destructive tendencies are motivated by impulses which could actually work in your favor. Too self-critical? That means you don’t lie to yourself. Act rashly? You’re willing to take chances.

    I hope my words give you a different perspective on your struggle, one you find helpful. And I am encouraged that you are strong enough to ask for help. Peace be with you.

    • Thank you very much. I really appreciate your advice.
      I have in the past done exactly what you suggest but sadly took I it too far and ended up actually making even more self destructive decisions.
      But it is a good way to reframe things.
      Thank you.

  5. Ah, pet. It’s tragic when our brains work against us. Having suffered and still suffering from anxiety disorders I feel for you. I hope you can find some way through, or at least ways to cope. ways to be easier on yourself. Take care of you X

  6. Pingback: The Offer | The Diligent Dilettante

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