It’s All About Me…

I posted this tweet this morning:image

I do realise that I spend a fair bit of time complaining about how I look.

Something struck me today as I was out on my enforced trip to town.

I saw other women of all shapes and sizes, smaller and thinner than me and larger and heavier than me.

I saw several larger ladies and thought, “wow! She looks amazing/her curves are fab/she looks so confident”, and then thought, “why can’t I be happy with my body like they are?”

Yes, yes, I know there is every chance they go home and cry when they look in the mirror, just as I do, but the point is that I thought they looked fantastic and confident in themselves.

I also realised that I have several friends on twitter and WP that are also larger than me, who I think are totally gorgeous. I can think of so many women who post nude or semi nude photos that I admire on Sinful Sunday or on their TLs and I thought, “Fuck! They must read me and think that I am a total bitch!”

So I must make one thing clear… when I rant about not being the size or shape I want to be, I am in no way suggesting that being larger, heavier, (or thinner for that matter), is not desirable or is in any way “less than”. When I write these things it really is all about me!

My bestie lost it with me last week when I made a disparaging remark about how I look, (I said I wasn’t going to an event I had wanted to attend because I am too fat now).

She is gorgeous, sexy and beautiful and yes, she is bigger than me. She totally hit me with both barrels about how pointless it is for me to constantly run my self down and to deny myself things because of how I perceive myself to look. Her anger and disappointment leaped off the screen and I withdrew for the day, unable to face her. (We are perfectly ok now btw… she was really just trying to make me see things differently but I couldn’t hear it.)

When I think that any of my friends on twitter or in the blogosphere might feel the same disappointment and annoyance at me for what I write, or that they might think I am in some way running them down alongside running myself down, it makes me feel dreadful! Truly shitty.

I felt the need to write this today to say that the stupid standards I set for myself are not in any way a reflection of how I see other women.

I realise 100% how incredibly fucked up my attitude is and how warped my thinking is. I envy any woman who feels comfortable in her own skin. If there were a pill I could take to achieve the same feeling, I would take it in a heartbeat. Hell, I’d overdose!

The truth is I have never been happy with how I look. When I was wearing age 10-11 jeans, (yes age, not size), and was so underweight my periods stopped I still thought I looked awful and even ‘saw’ a belly where there was actually a concave dip.

For the record, I have a problem with me, not with anyone else. If anyone reading my rants about my body shape and size ever thinks I am attacking or insulting anyone other than myself, please know that I am not.

It really is all about me…

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

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14 thoughts on “It’s All About Me…

  1. I think we all know you’re not having a go at anyone else hon. Hell, I’m sure most of us at some point in our lives have felt the way you do. I know I feel like it a lot of the time, which is half the reason I do post pictures of myself. The comments from others help me realise that other people don’t see what I do. But no matter how many lovely comments I get and no matter how much I ‘know’ I’m OK, some days I still feel like crap.
    And isn’t Twitter for letting off steam sometimes?
    *many hugs*
    xxx
    And I do think you’re gorgeous 🙂 Your eyes are incredible, I also think you’re just a lovely person.

  2. Thank you darling lady! I have so much admiration for the way you post your photos… I hide behind angles and filters and would never be able to be as candid as you are. And you do look amazing! I think you are awesome!

  3. I’ve never once thought your comments were aimed at anyone but yourself. Body dysmorphia is a powerfully distorting condition and one where you can see the truth about others but never yourself. I’ve felt that way about myself in the past – wanting to hid, wanting to punish myself for my ugliness and being so fat. No one else sees what you see – we see a gorgeous looking lady with a warm and caring personality.
    Hugs, sweety XX

  4. After telling my beautiful girlfriend she is beautiful but always getting an reply that ‘my butt is big’ and more… It does not matter how much I tell her that. I know that it’s all up to each person to just realise they ate beautiful and you will get there as well. YOU’RE AWESOME AS YOU ARE. 🙂 kisses

  5. I know when you talk about these things they are always about you. Which makes me sad on a different way. I am very very very much larger than you. I’ve always been fat. God it feels weird to say and admit that I am fat. Because we’re so conditioned into thinking fat is a bad word. Like the worst thing a person can be. You know?

    However I always find myself comparing myself to other ppl. Always think because someone else is pretty they are prettier than I am or because they are thinner or their body shape is nicer. I dunno. But I can understand where you’re coming from and I can understand where your friend is coming from.

    But it’s a day by day thing. We work on loving ourselves on a daily basis. Hope you can one day truly see how beautiful you are.

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