Word For Wednesday (W4W)


I am sorry to type this, but I am afraid I cannot post a W4W this week.

I hope that others will still contribute and I look forward to reading what you share in the comments section.

No fear though… I shall be back next week.

Consider this my first W4W holiday, ok?

Love y’all!

Play along here, (or read my past posts).

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Urban Landscape


I thought I would share some of the ‘breathtaking’ scenes I passed on my way into town this morning…

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This looks like somewhere they would find my dismembered body…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s with the discarded socks and bananas?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great road upkeep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Broody sky

 

 

 

 

 

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At least there are flowers…

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💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Word For Wednesday (W4W) #64


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Play along here!

This week’s word is:

Triggers.

This morning I was chatting to a friend of mine; the sweetest, most kind-hearted girl you can imagine. I don’t think I have ever seen her be rude, mean or nasty to anyone. She has a beautiful, generous spirit. Today, she was struggling because something had brought back unpleasant memories for her. Something had triggered these recollections and she was in pain. I could relate to her 100%.

Triggers can pop up at the most unexpected times. I was sent reeling from one in a trashy TV crime show a while ago. One minute I was watching a mindless melodrama, the next I was frozen, flooded with unwelcome and suppressed memories, which started a descent that I am just now starting to climb out of.

Another example; I follow several stunningly beautiful women on twitter and they regularly post selfies and full body pictures of their envious physiques. Some days these pictures act as massive triggers for my self-image issues and my history of eating disorders. I spend the day feeling fat and ugly and berating myself for not looking like them.

Likewise, if I scroll through old photos of myself I can get totally caught up in a self-hatred spiral because I no longer weigh 6 stone.

Triggers are a pain in the ass.

They can hit you in the face and ruin your day, without warning. Many times they are unavoidable, such as the TV show that set me off. But we can avoid some of them. If I find myself looking back through pictures of me when I was stick thin I have to force myself to shut down the laptop and stop.

I was sad to see my lovely friend hurting today but I did remind her that, despite the unforgivable things that happened to her that she was recalling, she turned into a kind, generous and loving person. She could have let those experiences ruin her and made her bitter but she rose above them.

If anything acts as trigger for you, please try to step back and see how far you’ve come, how strong you’ve been and how you have survived whatever the trigger represents.

You are not broken and you are not beaten.

You are still here!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

The Gift Of Lily


On April 15th 2011 something happened that made the world a better place.

Lily, the Bichon, (AKA The Love Of My Life), was born.

I would not meet her for another 18 months, but when I did it changed everything.

I decided early in life that I would never be a mother. It scared me. I assumed I’d be crap at it. I didn’t want the responsibility.

I regret this decision now, but for several reasons I feel that chance has passed for me… a topic for another day maybe.

Approaching my 40th birthday, I began to long for a dog, (must’ve been the old biological clock right?). I spent many hours online looking at dogs for adoption or sale.

One Sunday morning I saw a picture of a little Bichon Frise for sale, and for some reason, I simply could not stop returning to her ad over and over again. No other dog could compare to her. Her name was Coco, she was 18 months old and it said her family were regretfully searching for a new home for her.

I showed the OH and he said he would make the call. I paced… and paced… and paced…

Suddenly overwhelmed with self doubt I asked him not to call. I couldn’t do it. I’d be a crap doggy-mom, it was too much. Then I started to cry.

The OH knew I did really want this little dog and talked me around, made the call and it was arranged that we would meet Coco the next day and see if we were a match. I then waited through the longest 24 hours of my life.

The morning came and we drove about an hour away to meet Coco. As we parked outside the house, panic took hold and I entered my very unattractive high anxiety state where I make utterly no sense and become completely negative and irrational. I was convinced the entire endeavour was a huge mistake and begged the OH to just drive away. He tried to reason with me and eventually lost his temper and told me firmly this was my last chance to have this dog…

We rang the doorbell and a remarkably thin, glamorous, blonde woman opened the door, and in her arms was my new love… Coco.

(I had an incredibly long history of how she settled in, how our suspicions about her suffering neglect and abuse in that first home grew to a certainty, and about how she became Lily, the happy, settled, pampered pooch she is today, but that is not the point of this post…)

The point of this post is this:

The OH did not just give me the gift of a dog for my 40th birthday. He gave me my best friend, my little confidant, my clown, my comforter.

He gave me the most precious gift of all… I discovered I am a natural mother; I have so much more love inside me than I ever thought possible. He also gave me a sense of confidence that yes, I could not only keep a creature alive, but I could nurture her and help her overcome past trauma to thrive into becoming the wonderful little dog she is today.

He gave me the gift of self belief. Of feeling capable.

Lily’s birthday fell on Friday when the OH was at work, yesterday she spent the day at the groomers, so that is why we are celebrating her fifth birthday today, with a roast chicken breast, complete with candles and singing.

I frequently moan about my many failings and things I despise about myself but this I know… Lily loves me and I would do anything, anything to keep her safe and happy.

Turns out I am a good doggy-mom!

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Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Word For Wednesday (W4W) #62


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Play along here!

This week’s word is:

Simple.

What a little word… and what a weight it carries for me.

I am pretty open, (ie: I regularly spill all my ugly onto the screen), about my struggle with depression and low self-worth – to the point of risking boring you all, I fear at times.

The thing is, I know what I need to do to make myself feel better.

It is incredibly SIMPLE.

What it isn’t, is EASY.

Two words that are regularly used synonymously but are actually so different.

It’s like losing weight, right? Eat less, move more – simple! But as we all know, not easy!

The solution to so many of my problems is simple, so, so, so simple, and yet… I cannot seem to do it, because it is anything but easy.

Will I succeed? Will I face the long, hard, scary thing I need to do?

Honestly, I do not know.

I can tell you this; if you are fond of a wager, I’d not recommend you bet on me.

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Something New…


Today I was asked a fantastic question that actually left me speechless… a rare phenomenon, which happens about as frequently as a Super Blood Moon.

“When was the last time you did something for the first time?”

I was stumped.

This saddened me, as it highlighted just how stuck I have become. I have a routine that seldom varies. I cannot remember the last time I did something for the first time.

This is not healthy I think.

I am stagnating.

I need to push myself and start to try new things; maybe things that scare me a little or make me uncomfortable.

I worry I am atrophying.

I also worry I am too lazy/scared/apathetic to change.

I can list some things I have never done – let’s see how likely it is I will do them…

I have never lived alone – unless the OH pops his clogs, or our marriage takes a serious turn for the worse I don’t think I will ever tick this box. In retrospect, I think I might have missed a basic life experience by going from home to shared accommodation to living with the OH. But, as I say, it is unlikely to happen now. Although I do love the idea of a house next door to him with a connecting door, living together separately appeals very much, but unless we win the Lotto is too is unlikely to happen.

I have never eaten Thai food – I have nut allergies so I am too scared to try Thai food. For the same reason I haven’t eaten a Chinese takeaway since my twenty’s because I fear a stray peanut getting lost in my Kung Po.

I have never passed a driving test – in fact I failed one spectacularly! I aced the theory, (obvs!), but stalled three times trying to leave the car park, turned a three point turn into a fifteen point turn, and the reversing around a corner task ended with me hallway down the road on the opposite side to where I was meant to be. I left the exam room, clutching my report in tears and never got back behind a wheel. Maybe this is one I should tackle again but I think it’s unlikely.

I have never tried a Jaggerbomb – or absinthe for that matter. Am I missing out?

I have never run a marathon – in fact I have never run any distance at all. Apart from kiss chase as a kid, running has not played a role in my life. I am at peace with this and have no desire to feel nipple chaffing, shin splints or aching knees. I’ll stick to walking thanks.

I have never played a team sport – I was forced once at school to play rounders. It was not a good day. Never again. Lone wolf here.

I have never been skiing – the OH would like to and I have told him we could absolutely go on a skiing holiday as long as I get to curl up in front of the fire with a book while he risks life and limb in the freezing cold. Snow boarding looks fun, but still, given that I can injure myself whilst walking from one side of the kitchen to the other it’s best I not risk it.

I have never ridden a horse – Are you kiddin’ me? Have you seen the size of those fuckers?

So, this leaves me wondering what new things I should try…

Suggestions welcome!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.