This week’s word is:
I live with pain on a daily basis. In fact, according to the definition above I live with chronic pain and have done for almost as long as I can remember.
I am not talking about physical pain, (although at the moment I am experiencing a lot of that also). I am referring to psychological pain – depression, anxiety, self hatred, self destruction, self loathing.
I read Cherry’s W4W and related to her situation so strongly.
It has been suggested to me by several friends, as well as the OH, that I may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I struggle with this idea. If I were to say yes I have that, in my mind I am also saying, yes I am not hideous and ugly, in fact I might even be attractive but simply cannot see it for myself.
I cannot accept that and I feel that if I said that it is borderline arrogant/big-headed. Yeah, I can see how you might read this and shake your head at my contrariness. After all, I am the one who regularly lifts others up and encourages them to love themselves, yet when it comes to me I do a 180 on my own advice.
Cherry told me this:
“One of the reasons people don’t think or talk about it is because they might think they’ll be seen as being vain. It’s part of the condition and it’s the lies that are warped, not your mind.”
It has given me a lot to think about today.
What would it be like to actually LIKE myself? To accept myself? To not constantly only see my flaws? To see what other people claim to see when they look at me?
Would I even still be ME?
I have always been a person who disliked or even hated herself. The concept of not being that way is foreign and perhaps even a bit scary.
These questions are overwhelming and are bringing tears to my eyes as I write them. How different would my life have been if I wasn’t always hating myself? Have I wasted all these years? Am I incapable of being happy?
Who AM I????
I think I have much more soul searching to do before I even begin to address these questions.
This week is World Mental Health Awareness Week so this post felt appropriate today.
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