Do You Remember Me? (a rambling post)


Yes, it’s me. I’m back. Well, for now anyway.

I have been stuck in a miserable, depressed state for so long that I can’t even put a time frame on it, and one of the side effects of that is that I haven’t been writing.

I used to have constant ideas for blog posts or stories running through my head but these days I have nothing. My imagination has dried up. My brain is empty.

I hate the effect this has on the OH. I know he hates to see me this way but feels powerless to help me. (No-one can help me. I am the only one who can help me.) I know it causes him pain to see me in this state. It feels selfish of me to continue to feel this way. Selfish and self indulgent.

I wish I could shake this off. I know I have managed to do it before, but I feel so very tired and unable to do it again.

I feel stuck. Completely and utterly stuck.

And when I feel this way, the horrible voices return.

They tell me I am useless, lazy, pointless, pathetic.

I have created my own misery by making dreadful choices, which have lead to a ridiculous amount of weight gain. Looking in the mirror, or feeling out of breath and sweaty at the slightest physical exertion, only add to my self-loathing. What a stupid woman I have been to have sabotaged myself so.

As I sit here now, I feel that I do not have the energy or drive to make the changes necessary. I simply do not know where to begin. I hate going out because I look and feel fat and lumpy. Walking makes me hot, sweaty and breathless. I could exercise at home as I used to before but I can’t even be bothered to do that.

I don’t know what to do or how to begin.

Yesterday I cried, cursing the fact that I have people who rely on me and want me to stick around. Simply ‘opting out’ felt like such an easier choice than facing another day feeling this way. But I do have people, (well, the OH and the dogs), who would miss me and I love them way too much to cause them any further hurt.

So here I am; staying here, facing another day of feeling like the world’s biggest loser.

If I was a believer I would pray for strength or inspiration to turn my life around, but hey, god is a fiction and there is no magic spell to fix me.

As I said before, only I can fix me.

Now if only I knew how to…

 

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

 

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Saying Goodbye…


Today, I did a thing.

I finally, at long last, took a step towards accepting my new reality.

I filled a charity bag with all the clothes I will never fit into again.

It was a difficult and challenging thing to do – it felt as if I was saying that, even if I do lose weight, I will not ever be buying my clothes in the kids section again.

I truly marvelled at how tiny some of the pieces were… was I ever that slight?! Really?

So, there are some 11 year old girls in Chernobyl that will be getting a stash of jeans and tops soon…

…and I must accept that my days of being a waif are over.

Ciao,

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

 

 

Is It Just Me?


I am sitting at my kitchen counter waiting for a man to arrive to repair and service my alarm system.

“So Kat, we are pretty accustomed to your tendency to share your mundane life but really, why are you telling us this?” I hear you ask.

Here’s why.

I am nervous. I hate the idea of a man I don’t know being in my house while I am alone here. I hate that I feel this way. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate that it even enters my head that he could do me harm.

I hate that I wish my husband was here. He is an amazingly supportive man who always does his best to be home when we have any people in doing work on the house. This means he either takes a day off work or arranges to work from home. Today he simply couldn’t and that is totally fine with me. What I actually hate is that he feels he has to arrange to be here with me so much; that he knows how nervous and scared I feel when I am alone.

I put it to twitter asking why I am nervous and got a response from a male friend that it was ‘Stranger Danger’.

True.

And, sadly, stranger danger awareness is a very real and necessary thing, but here is the rub…

Would a man ever feel as vulnerable in the same position?

Is this sexist? Or is it simply a reflection of fact?

Perhaps men do feel nervous or scared when strangers come to their homes.

Perhaps many of the women who read my blog will roll their eyes, shake their heads and think, “Kat, get a grip!”. Perhaps a lot of them never feel the same as I do. Perhaps they think I am being a total wimp.

Hell, I think I am being a total wimp!

Of course it is highly unlikely that this poor, innocent until proven otherwise, man will have any malicious intent towards me. He is coming to do a job, get in and get out and get paid. It is pretty ridiculous that I am worried about being alone with him.

Ridiculous, but real.

So tell me – is it just me?

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.