Do You Remember Me? (a rambling post)

Yes, it’s me. I’m back. Well, for now anyway.

I have been stuck in a miserable, depressed state for so long that I can’t even put a time frame on it, and one of the side effects of that is that I haven’t been writing.

I used to have constant ideas for blog posts or stories running through my head but these days I have nothing. My imagination has dried up. My brain is empty.

I hate the effect this has on the OH. I know he hates to see me this way but feels powerless to help me. (No-one can help me. I am the only one who can help me.) I know it causes him pain to see me in this state. It feels selfish of me to continue to feel this way. Selfish and self indulgent.

I wish I could shake this off. I know I have managed to do it before, but I feel so very tired and unable to do it again.

I feel stuck. Completely and utterly stuck.

And when I feel this way, the horrible voices return.

They tell me I am useless, lazy, pointless, pathetic.

I have created my own misery by making dreadful choices, which have lead to a ridiculous amount of weight gain. Looking in the mirror, or feeling out of breath and sweaty at the slightest physical exertion, only add to my self-loathing. What a stupid woman I have been to have sabotaged myself so.

As I sit here now, I feel that I do not have the energy or drive to make the changes necessary. I simply do not know where to begin. I hate going out because I look and feel fat and lumpy. Walking makes me hot, sweaty and breathless. I could exercise at home as I used to before but I can’t even be bothered to do that.

I don’t know what to do or how to begin.

Yesterday I cried, cursing the fact that I have people who rely on me and want me to stick around. Simply ‘opting out’ felt like such an easier choice than facing another day feeling this way. But I do have people, (well, the OH and the dogs), who would miss me and I love them way too much to cause them any further hurt.

So here I am; staying here, facing another day of feeling like the world’s biggest loser.

If I was a believer I would pray for strength or inspiration to turn my life around, but hey, god is a fiction and there is no magic spell to fix me.

As I said before, only I can fix me.

Now if only I knew how to…



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38 thoughts on “Do You Remember Me? (a rambling post)

  1. All the best, Kat. I’ve struggled with my own self-image for years, and it can be crippling. The great gift, though, is being loved. Don’t question that. It keeps me afloat, and it’s a blessing.

  2. Why is it only really nice people hate themselves. All the fuckers I know absolutely think the sun shines out of their own Ahole!.
    You are a kind and beautiful person. Be kind to yourself.

  3. Hi sweet, I had seen you were notable by your absence, but I’d hoped you were on the up again after a couple of positive posts a few weeks ago.
    Self-loathing is awful, corrosive, eats away at you. I used to punch myself when I was a teenager, I hated my body so much.
    Be assured that you are adored. That you would be missed, no matter what you think. I can’t convince your heart of these things, but try to believe me when I say it.
    If you need to talk more, do email me – I will always be more than willing to chat with you, lovely lady.
    Hugs XXX

  4. I have cycled to that place so many times. It’s a horrible, easily perpetuated cycle! I agree that being loved, and truly knowing it deep inside, can be a catalyst. Because, for me at least, the loathing and voices belong to a girl who doesn’t feel worthy of any of it. But I just be. I have it. Hugs, Kat.

  5. Massive hugs hon xx
    I hope you truly know deep inside that are so many people who love you and care about you, even if we’ve never met face to face.
    Taking the first step out is so, so difficult and it’s so easy to just slide back again, especially when you don’t have the energy to fight it.
    The last few days I thought I’d be sliding back, and not just ‘cos of my dad. I had to e-mail a certain someone and it upset me but somehow this time I managed to dig in and not lose too much of the ground I’d gained.
    It’s a long, hard, dirty fight but we have to keep going. Tell the voices to fuck off, don’t let them win.

      • You’re more than welcome, yours is one voice I really would miss in this weird online world that’s more real than my real life 😀
        It’s feels a bit weird at first when you start talking to them but eventually things do change. I don’t know if you’ve ever read anything about it, but for a lot of those who have schizophrenia or any other form of hearing voices talking to them can actually work. I’ll see if I can find some links if you need.
        Thanks, I’m feeling a little bit proud of myself for not caving, especially about him 🙂

  6. A place of quicksand…we slip into it without much care, until when we realize it’s going to swallow us up. We want to claw, desperately paw and tread ourselves out, even when we know the best thing to do is calmly rise up from the sandy abyss…one gentle step at a time.

  7. Oh shit, sorry to hear this but good that you are putting this in writing. Better to let it out, it means you know the problem. The answer, fuck knows. Sorry wish I knew and i would tell you. But you can do it. My biggest hugs to you.

  8. What a poignant post. ‘Pawsitive’ healing energy flowing your way from me and a certain knuckle headed Standard Poodle therapy pup. Trust me when I say, we’ve all been there and hope the good thoughts, support and energy from Blogville flowing your way will be of comfort. Very best wishes. 😊

  9. I am new to this site … but I know the ‘black dogs’… and how difficult it is to get off the wheel (no matter how much love and encouragement you have). My thoughts (and a virtual hug). I find one thing that works for me sometimes is to speak out the lies (usually on a dog walk on my own!) – the act of publicly saying what you are and what you know you are not is powerful. X

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