Dry Spell


Readers, I am frustrated…

I have neglected my blogs for too long, for different reasons.

I have had a very challenging year or two, and it has most definitely impacted on my ability to get my thoughts straight in my mind, never mind getting them down in any coherent form that comes close to anything I would subject my followers to. (FYI: there is absolutely no guarantee that todays post will be any better, but my frustration and need to connect once again has overridden my internal quality control monitor.)

Health issues, both physical and mental, have plagued me and at several times have beaten me down to a point where some days getting dressed or showered has been a triumph. I am trying some new approaches which I hope will help me feel better and, fighting my realistic/fatalistic streak every day, I remind myself of the rewards to be gained from the changes, rather than dwell on how difficult they are to carry out. I have even, my lovely readers, made a chart that is stuck on my fridge! How very “self helpy” can you get?!

There have been days of wonderful positivity where I have wanted nothing more than to open my MacBook and write about all the good things I have in my life – a husband who is also my best friend, who knows all my darkest, ugliest secrets and loves me anyway, who makes me laugh til I cry, two beautiful dogs that bring me so much joy, a secure home to live in, enough money to always go to the ATM and not feel anxious, a garden built by myself and the OH which is peaceful and soul enriching to sit in… but I have not done so for fear of almost cursing my good fortune.

As for my fiction blog and my amateur photography, well, I have simply been feeling about as inspired as a used teabag. Walking used to be my therapy; ideas would come to me as I wandered through town, watching people and places, but I haven’t been out of the house much at all for quite a while, again for several reasons. Part of my new approach is to change this but it is proving more challenging than I thought it would be.

I read writing memes such as #Wicked Wednesday and #Kink of the Week but am left empty and frustrated at my complete writers block. I have entered the wonderful #Sinful Sunday, but only for the prompt weeks as I find right now I really need a push to produce anything.

Given my physical and mental health, I must admit that feeling sexy or sexual has been totally at the bottom of my list for a while now, which given that I am supposedly, (or at least, I once was), a sex blogger, is unhelpful to say the least.

I know it is a long process – lord, I have lived through 40-odd years of the fucking process. It is such a challenge to not get exhausted by it, by the fact that it never seems to have an end date in sight. They, whoever they are, say it’s not the destination that matters but the journey… easy to say when there is a sense that there is any realistic sense of ever reaching the destination, or when the journey is not constantly interrupted by obstacles and diversions. The OH, who I love more than anything, also has more than his fair share of stress and worry and believe me the only thing worse than one depressive is putting two together! He too had a run of bad luck healthwise this past year which has added to the stress and sense of fatigue.

I am hoping that by getting these, not so coherent, thoughts down today it will spur me on to return to writing.

I have found that blogging can be a two faced beast: recording how I feel can result in me reinforcing those feelings, and this is where the risk lies, depending on whether the feelings are positive or self-destructive.

Today I am feeling… ok. I have taken to playing positive music very loudly and it does help, although I am not sure the neighbours would agree.

Today is Friday and the weekend lies ahead and we plan on some serious rest time but I am hoping we will also get out walking, maybe even with my camera, maybe even lunch out.

As for writing… well, I will continue to look at prompts and memes and just hope that my voice comes back to me, (and as a certain quite dreadful writer puts it, “my inner goddess” finds her “salsa moves” again).

I feel a bit of a half person without her.

💋

Copyright, 2017, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

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Kat’s Eye #87 – Smelling The Roses


Yesterday the OH brought me a rose from our garden.

I wish I could share its divine scent with you all.

As I tried to take a photo of the rose, a certain wee ball of fluff came over to have a sniff.

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💋

Copyright, 2017, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Kat’s Eye #84 – “Bleech”


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I saw this discarded shopping list in the wine aisle of my local supermarket. I love finding things like this and getting a tiny insight into someone else’s life. It’s a bit similar to my love of peeping at what people have in their shopping trolleys.

The word-nerd in me is slightly irritated by the misspelling of bleach!

💋

Copyright, 2017, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Here We Go Again…


2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

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Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Return of the Kat!


Hello!

I blogged on Tuesday about my WP absence and the difficult time I have been having and today I am very  happy to tell you that I am back to what passes for normal for Kittykat.

I underwent a couple of not very pleasant procedures called a hysteroscopy and a D&C a month ago. They were a long time coming, as I had deferred and rescheduled them several times due to chest infections and generally being a total scaredy-kat about the whole general anaesthetic thing. However, I got through it and came out the other side, bruised, bleeding and sore but in one piece.

Lying in bed afterwards, still groggy from the GA, the young doctor stood beside me and casually dropped the C-bomb on me. I had no idea cancer was even a possibility, so this came as quite the shock. In retrospect, the doctor really should have waited for me to be more alert and should certainly have waited until the OH had returned to be with me while she spoke to me.

I went home, having been told that my biopsy was being marked urgent, as the procedure revealed some ‘suspicious’ things, and that I would return for results about whether or not I had cancer within 4 weeks.

Way to break the news!

I spent four weeks making dreadfully dark jokes about having cancer, dying and all things morbid, (as is my way…). I think the OH deserves an award of some sort for putting up with me. I did my research online and basically resigned myself to the fact that I would be facing a hysterectomy and that was that. Pragmatic Kat.

Yesterday, I went to get my results. On the drive in we spotted a single magpie and of course I made a joke about that. We talked nonsense in between asking each other if we were ok, (we said we were but we weren’t). We touched hands and exchanged glances a lot more than was probably safe whilst driving.

When we reached the hospital I suddenly felt more tense than I had through the entire four weeks previously, suddenly tearful and anxious. Vulnerable.

My name was called and a pleasant doctor spoke the words everyone facing a cancer diagnosis wants to hear, “Your histogolgy came back good.” My chances of developing cancer over the next 20 years are less than 5%… I’ll take those odds thank you very much!

I felt, after my cryptic blog posts, that I owed y’all and explanation and, boy, am I happy to be giving this one rather than the much less happy one I had rehearsed in my head for weeks.

I confided in a few people I consider good friends on twitter, and I have to say, they were absolutely amazing in their kindness and support. I really am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Who says twitter friends aren’t ‘real’? They say you know who your true friends are when the shit hits the fan… this was proven to me recently.

My bestie and soul sister Feli was amazing too. She was, as always, a quiet, solid source of strength for me and I am truly grateful to her for telling me I was simply not allowed to have cancer. (And for carrying on as normal in the meanwhile, discussing all the most important things in life, ie; sex and food.)

And as for the OH… where do I begin? The man was there. 100% there. He gave me space to make bad jokes, to be moody, to be silly, to get disgustingly drunk, to be whatever I needed to be. I want to publicly thank him for, as clichéd as it is, being my rock.

And so my friends, that is my news! Its good. I feel lighter than I have in months. I can breathe again!

Fret not, I will still bitch and moan about being ugly/fat/useless/depressed… I am still me after all.

But for today I am smiling.

And listen to me – If you notice anything odd happening to your body, do this…

GO TO THE DOCTOR!

Today.

Make the call now.

Don’t be a scaredy-kat.

Don’t put it off.

I spent two years, (yes, really), being silly and burying my head in the sand and I still got amazingly lucky.

Don’t be a twit like me.

oh…

And go hug someone you love!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

 

Still Here!


You may have, (or, more likely may not have), noticed my absence of late. Today is the first day I have felt able to open my beloved Mac Book Pro and type again.

I have been facing some tough challenges, health and personal, the details of which I will not bore you with right now, but suffice to say they have been enough to have seen me retreat into myself in order to get through the past couple of months.

The lovely OH bought me this last month as part of my birthday stash and it makes me smile to think of how very well he knows me.

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This morning is the first time I have plucked up the courage to make a few notes in it about what is on my batshit-crazed-hamster-in-a-wheel-mind, and it surprised me by actually helping.

I will be getting some news on Thursday that will hopefully be good, but even if it is not, I think I will be ok. I have *Himself, who has been a tower of strength, and some very lovely friends who have reached out and offered support over the past while.

I feel the urge and need to write again, to be part of the blogging community and to rebuild much-valued links and relationships here. I do not have anything of great insight or creativity to share just yet, but I am hopeful that this first wee toe-dipping today is the start of KittyKat coming back to the blogosphere that I have missed so much.

Love y’all!

Ciao!

* no, not god! I am not a believer in magic; I refer to the OH here.

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved