Saying Goodbye…

Today, I did a thing.

I finally, at long last, took a step towards accepting my new reality.

I filled a charity bag with all the clothes I will never fit into again.

It was a difficult and challenging thing to do – it felt as if I was saying that, even if I do lose weight, I will not ever be buying my clothes in the kids section again.

I truly marvelled at how tiny some of the pieces were… was I ever that slight?! Really?

So, there are some 11 year old girls in Chernobyl that will be getting a stash of jeans and tops soon…

…and I must accept that my days of being a waif are over.



Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.



A Note on Turning Point

Warning! This post contains a very large and potentially nauseating dose of positivity and hope… proceed with caution!

I wrote and shared my post Turning Point yesterday with more than a little trepidation.

My fear was that people would think I was exaggerating, making it all up, or just plain crazy.

To say I have been blown away by the support and kindness shown to me in response to the post, both on here and twitter, is an understatement. I want to say a sincere and heartfelt thank you to everyone who commented and affirmed that I had handled the situation well and with strength and courage.


Last night I had perhaps two hours of broken sleep at best and was very tired this morning. I was tempted to stay home, but instead I left the bed at 7.30, ate a good breakfast, chatted to friends and got ready to go out.

I walked into town, enjoying the breeze on my skin.

I managed to get the bones of a new piece of flash fiction formed in my head, as well as a few ideas for a card I want to make for the OH and my anniversary later this month. I smiled at a gorgeous Labrador who was carrying today’s edition of The Daily Mirror in his mouth for his owner. I treated myself to some new pens for crafting and colouring. I popped into the doctor’s office to change my prescription for a new antibiotic, (the one I was on was ripping my tummy apart Aliens-style). I bought some salad and fresh bread and, as I walked home, I inhaled the fresh green scent of the hedges on the side of my road being trimmed by a tractor, (which surprisingly did not trigger my hay fever). As I walked up my driveway I caught sight of the two little fluffy white heads of my furry daughters perched looking eagerly out the lounge window and it made me laugh. They really do resemble two little ghosts.

I came, drank some ice-cold water, cuddled them and decided to write this.

All very mundane and not making for riveting reading, but you know what?

I feel good!

I am not thinking about my body, my size, my appearance, how much I don’t measure up.

I enjoyed the very tiny, simple things that we all to often miss. I used my imagination. I smiled at people. I enjoyed the physicality of walking and carrying home groceries.

I am so very ready to feel different.

I deserve to feel better.

I deserve to feel happy.

I deserve to take care of myself and treat myself with care.

I deserve to remind myself that I am a kind, caring, smart, funny, good and strong person.

I am more than my appearance.

I am more than my past experiences and traumas.

I am more than the mistakes I have made.

I know there will be dips but if determination alone can get me to where I want and need to be then I am feeling hopeful.

If you see me slipping remind me ok?


And once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.




Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.

A New Year!


Yes… I know we have been living in 2016 for eleven days now but, for me, today is my January 1st!

I have been reflecting and it occurred to me that I took last year ‘off’. Allow me to explain…

I used to be an incredibly active and busy person, both physically and mentally. The OH used to say he was in awe of my energy, dedication and self discipline. I ate well, exercised, worked hard, walked daily and had projects to keep me busy – In short, I was rarely still.

But last year I stopped.

I gave up exercise and hardly moved beyond what was strictly necessary. I ate whatever crap I wanted, reintroducing unhealthy and nutritionally empty foods such as crisps and chips. I drank way too much wine and nowhere near enough water. I lost any sense of daily routine and wasted hours online, achieving very little.

No wonder I spent so much of last year in a slump emotionally… I was bored, I felt useless and therefore felt worthless, which in turn only served to make me feel that I didn’t deserve to take better care of myself. I was caught in a vicious cycle of self destruction.

This morning I left the house to buy bread. I returned with a new pair of trainers, a Shock Absorber sports bra, a set of work out gear and a supply of vitamins.


I am not sure what changed in my head, but something sure did! I felt that I was worth the investment my new purchases symbolised. I wanted to buy new work out gear that I will feel good in so that I will actually want to work out again.

I am going to make a list of things I must do daily or weekly; small things that will hopefully add up to boost my sense of self worth and result in me changing my cycle of self destruction into one of self care.

  • Be up and dressed by 9am at the very latest every weekday.
  • Always use a body lotion all over after showering. Take the time to massage the cream in and notice the changes in my skin.
  • Move daily. Get out for 30 minutes minimum every day , unless I am ill.
  • Exercise at least three times a week – dance workout, elliptical trainer, weights, calisthenics – doesn’t matter which, just do it!
  • Eat well.
  • Drink water.
  • Take my vitamins every day.
  • Praise myself once a day for something.
  • Be creative – write, craft, garden, learn to knit.
  • Learn to challenge and silence that inner critic that shouts so loudly in my head.
  • Stop beating  myself up.
  • Give myself credit where it is due.
  • Rediscover the pleasure and pride I used to take from keeping a clean tidy and welcoming home.
  • Take more photographs – this could be part of my 30 minutes a day outdoor time.
  • Treat myself to a once a week home spa hour – face mask, body scrub, mani/pedi.
  • Read more – go to bed earlier and enjoy that stack of books beside the bed!
  • Have some time every day with no TV/Internet.
  • Take naps.
  • Be kinder to myself. Ease up on the expectations.

That’s quite a list!

I truly hope I can find it within me to put these ideas into practice and, hopefully, this time next year I will be fitter, healthier, happier and at peace within myself.

Wish me luck?



Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.

Love Yourself Challenge #10 & 11


Day 10:

I wimped out yesterday and didn’t want to address this one but I’ve decided it must be done. I have so many unhealthy things that I do it is hard to pick just one. In the end I settled for two that are very interlinked and I suspect are the root of all the other self destructive things I do.



Day 11:

If I could go anywhere in the world right now…

Corralejo, Fuerteventura.



I would transport myself, the OH and the two pooches there to relive some of the happiest holidays I have ever had.








Settle on my favourite bench with a gelato and take in the view!






Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.


Love Yourself Challenge #4


Day 4:

Oh crap! I do not like this one!

I have many things I need to forgive myself for… being a bad wife, bad daughter, bad doggy momma, bad person.

Perhaps the one I need to address is being mean to myself.

I am my own worst enemy. If you could hear the things I say to myself in my head, you’d be shocked. If I said them to you, you would probably, and quite justifiably, punch me.

If you googled self destructive and self hating I would not be surprised if a picture of me popped onto your screen.

Hence I am taking on this 28 day challenge – to try to at least limit my negative self image if not kill it once and for all.


Dear me… You are too mean to yourself. But I know it is a struggle for you. Just try harder, ok? I forgive you.

Aaaaaaaaaand breathe!



Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.

Love Yourself Challenge #1


Happy New Year!

This year I really need to do some serious work on myself to increase my self-esteem and body image. I found this on Pinterest and decided to give the challenge a go…

I do not expect it to be easy… but I think it could be worth a go.

Day 1:

Barefoot, I reach the dizzy height of 153cm. I have actually always liked being short and never wished to be any taller. I think being short is a fundamental part of being “me”. Perhaps my big, outgoing personality is a result of having to overcompensate for not being seen! I am pretty confident socially, never shy to make the fist move or engage with new people. I hope I don’t come across as overbearing in any way; my style is to be interested, (genuinely), in people and ask them questions to draw them out of themselves. I love people and find them endlessly fascinating.

I would like to think I make a good friend and I do always try to make time for people.

I have very green eyes, dark brown hair and pale skin. People tend to comment on my eyes, which is lovely. I inherited their shape from my mother, who had enormous, beautiful eyes with long, full, dark lashes.

Another thing which I got from my mother is less welcome… our family go grey early. I had my first grey hairs in my 20’s and spend plenty of time and money keeping them at bay. I have been black, red, blonde, (very bad idea!), but always return to my dark chocolate colour because I think it suits me best.

Whats else is there about me?

I have tiny feet – size 2, so I buy my shoes mostly in the children’s department which means I do own glittery trainers! My hands are also incredibly small – child sized really, with what I consider quite cute crooked fingers… but then I do tend to prefer imperfections and flaws in people and in most things in life.

I am a very creative person. I love to write, cook and garden and I am most happy tucked away in my craft room making cards for birthdays, Valentine’s, anniversaries, Xmas. Being creative is a part of me I simply cannot control. It’s inherent in me. I am just wired that way.

I am an emotional person. I experience highs that soar, crazy energy bubbles from me, my capacity for play and joy is boundless. But I crash into dark, scary, lows where I struggle to see any light ahead, but I must trust that my mood will lighten as it always does.

I love passionately and deeply. Once you matter to  me, you REALLY matter. I don’t hate anyone. It’s a negative energy I do not want or need in my life. I do however, find it hard to forgive if you hurt me. I think this is probably because I set my standards for friendship high – I give everything and, whether it is reasonable or not, I do desire the same in return. This has resulted in me being very hurt and very let down by people in the past, but I seem to remain hopeful and have not closed myself off from making new friendships and developing new relationships.

My strengths are resilience, optimism, curiosity, kindness and passion.

My weaknesses are impatience, lack of balance, setting my standards impossibly high and a very strong self destructive impulse.

So, that is Day 1 of the challenge completed and I survived! Yay!



ps – how did I forget to say I am simply fucking hilarious to boot!

Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.