Heads or Tails

The words on the screen blurred as she downed another gulp of neat vodka, wincing at its bitterness.

She toyed with the coin in her trembling hand – heads or tails – it was to decide her fate.

Her eyes, although bloodshot, remained dry; she was well past tears. Thinking of all that she had lost and what she had thrown away, she flipped the coin. She watched it spin in the air, letting it fall to the floor with a tinny ping before taking another mouthful, holding her breath, in no hurry to look at the results.

Closing her eyes, she felt the tension in her shoulders, muscles burning, her head felt too heavy on her delicate neck and she struggled to sit upright.

Her head will hurt tomorrow…

She opened her eyes and looked at the coin – tails – and smiled a slow, sad smile, thinking, “No hangover then”.

Popping open the dark bottle, she shook out a handful of tiny white pills, swallowing them all at once with the remaining vodka.

She looked to the computer and hit Send –

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”


Copyright, 2017, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.


Here We Go Again…

2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…




Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Still Here!

You may have, (or, more likely may not have), noticed my absence of late. Today is the first day I have felt able to open my beloved Mac Book Pro and type again.

I have been facing some tough challenges, health and personal, the details of which I will not bore you with right now, but suffice to say they have been enough to have seen me retreat into myself in order to get through the past couple of months.

The lovely OH bought me this last month as part of my birthday stash and it makes me smile to think of how very well he knows me.


This morning is the first time I have plucked up the courage to make a few notes in it about what is on my batshit-crazed-hamster-in-a-wheel-mind, and it surprised me by actually helping.

I will be getting some news on Thursday that will hopefully be good, but even if it is not, I think I will be ok. I have *Himself, who has been a tower of strength, and some very lovely friends who have reached out and offered support over the past while.

I feel the urge and need to write again, to be part of the blogging community and to rebuild much-valued links and relationships here. I do not have anything of great insight or creativity to share just yet, but I am hopeful that this first wee toe-dipping today is the start of KittyKat coming back to the blogosphere that I have missed so much.

Love y’all!


* no, not god! I am not a believer in magic; I refer to the OH here.


Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Do You Remember Me? (a rambling post)

Yes, it’s me. I’m back. Well, for now anyway.

I have been stuck in a miserable, depressed state for so long that I can’t even put a time frame on it, and one of the side effects of that is that I haven’t been writing.

I used to have constant ideas for blog posts or stories running through my head but these days I have nothing. My imagination has dried up. My brain is empty.

I hate the effect this has on the OH. I know he hates to see me this way but feels powerless to help me. (No-one can help me. I am the only one who can help me.) I know it causes him pain to see me in this state. It feels selfish of me to continue to feel this way. Selfish and self indulgent.

I wish I could shake this off. I know I have managed to do it before, but I feel so very tired and unable to do it again.

I feel stuck. Completely and utterly stuck.

And when I feel this way, the horrible voices return.

They tell me I am useless, lazy, pointless, pathetic.

I have created my own misery by making dreadful choices, which have lead to a ridiculous amount of weight gain. Looking in the mirror, or feeling out of breath and sweaty at the slightest physical exertion, only add to my self-loathing. What a stupid woman I have been to have sabotaged myself so.

As I sit here now, I feel that I do not have the energy or drive to make the changes necessary. I simply do not know where to begin. I hate going out because I look and feel fat and lumpy. Walking makes me hot, sweaty and breathless. I could exercise at home as I used to before but I can’t even be bothered to do that.

I don’t know what to do or how to begin.

Yesterday I cried, cursing the fact that I have people who rely on me and want me to stick around. Simply ‘opting out’ felt like such an easier choice than facing another day feeling this way. But I do have people, (well, the OH and the dogs), who would miss me and I love them way too much to cause them any further hurt.

So here I am; staying here, facing another day of feeling like the world’s biggest loser.

If I was a believer I would pray for strength or inspiration to turn my life around, but hey, god is a fiction and there is no magic spell to fix me.

As I said before, only I can fix me.

Now if only I knew how to…



Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.


A Note on Turning Point

Warning! This post contains a very large and potentially nauseating dose of positivity and hope… proceed with caution!

I wrote and shared my post Turning Point yesterday with more than a little trepidation.

My fear was that people would think I was exaggerating, making it all up, or just plain crazy.

To say I have been blown away by the support and kindness shown to me in response to the post, both on here and twitter, is an understatement. I want to say a sincere and heartfelt thank you to everyone who commented and affirmed that I had handled the situation well and with strength and courage.


Last night I had perhaps two hours of broken sleep at best and was very tired this morning. I was tempted to stay home, but instead I left the bed at 7.30, ate a good breakfast, chatted to friends and got ready to go out.

I walked into town, enjoying the breeze on my skin.

I managed to get the bones of a new piece of flash fiction formed in my head, as well as a few ideas for a card I want to make for the OH and my anniversary later this month. I smiled at a gorgeous Labrador who was carrying today’s edition of The Daily Mirror in his mouth for his owner. I treated myself to some new pens for crafting and colouring. I popped into the doctor’s office to change my prescription for a new antibiotic, (the one I was on was ripping my tummy apart Aliens-style). I bought some salad and fresh bread and, as I walked home, I inhaled the fresh green scent of the hedges on the side of my road being trimmed by a tractor, (which surprisingly did not trigger my hay fever). As I walked up my driveway I caught sight of the two little fluffy white heads of my furry daughters perched looking eagerly out the lounge window and it made me laugh. They really do resemble two little ghosts.

I came, drank some ice-cold water, cuddled them and decided to write this.

All very mundane and not making for riveting reading, but you know what?

I feel good!

I am not thinking about my body, my size, my appearance, how much I don’t measure up.

I enjoyed the very tiny, simple things that we all to often miss. I used my imagination. I smiled at people. I enjoyed the physicality of walking and carrying home groceries.

I am so very ready to feel different.

I deserve to feel better.

I deserve to feel happy.

I deserve to take care of myself and treat myself with care.

I deserve to remind myself that I am a kind, caring, smart, funny, good and strong person.

I am more than my appearance.

I am more than my past experiences and traumas.

I am more than the mistakes I have made.

I know there will be dips but if determination alone can get me to where I want and need to be then I am feeling hopeful.

If you see me slipping remind me ok?


And once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.




Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.