A New Year!


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Yes… I know we have been living in 2016 for eleven days now but, for me, today is my January 1st!

I have been reflecting and it occurred to me that I took last year ‘off’. Allow me to explain…

I used to be an incredibly active and busy person, both physically and mentally. The OH used to say he was in awe of my energy, dedication and self discipline. I ate well, exercised, worked hard, walked daily and had projects to keep me busy – In short, I was rarely still.

But last year I stopped.

I gave up exercise and hardly moved beyond what was strictly necessary. I ate whatever crap I wanted, reintroducing unhealthy and nutritionally empty foods such as crisps and chips. I drank way too much wine and nowhere near enough water. I lost any sense of daily routine and wasted hours online, achieving very little.

No wonder I spent so much of last year in a slump emotionally… I was bored, I felt useless and therefore felt worthless, which in turn only served to make me feel that I didn’t deserve to take better care of myself. I was caught in a vicious cycle of self destruction.

This morning I left the house to buy bread. I returned with a new pair of trainers, a Shock Absorber sports bra, a set of work out gear and a supply of vitamins.

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I am not sure what changed in my head, but something sure did! I felt that I was worth the investment my new purchases symbolised. I wanted to buy new work out gear that I will feel good in so that I will actually want to work out again.

I am going to make a list of things I must do daily or weekly; small things that will hopefully add up to boost my sense of self worth and result in me changing my cycle of self destruction into one of self care.

  • Be up and dressed by 9am at the very latest every weekday.
  • Always use a body lotion all over after showering. Take the time to massage the cream in and notice the changes in my skin.
  • Move daily. Get out for 30 minutes minimum every day , unless I am ill.
  • Exercise at least three times a week – dance workout, elliptical trainer, weights, calisthenics – doesn’t matter which, just do it!
  • Eat well.
  • Drink water.
  • Take my vitamins every day.
  • Praise myself once a day for something.
  • Be creative – write, craft, garden, learn to knit.
  • Learn to challenge and silence that inner critic that shouts so loudly in my head.
  • Stop beating  myself up.
  • Give myself credit where it is due.
  • Rediscover the pleasure and pride I used to take from keeping a clean tidy and welcoming home.
  • Take more photographs – this could be part of my 30 minutes a day outdoor time.
  • Treat myself to a once a week home spa hour – face mask, body scrub, mani/pedi.
  • Read more – go to bed earlier and enjoy that stack of books beside the bed!
  • Have some time every day with no TV/Internet.
  • Take naps.
  • Be kinder to myself. Ease up on the expectations.

That’s quite a list!

I truly hope I can find it within me to put these ideas into practice and, hopefully, this time next year I will be fitter, healthier, happier and at peace within myself.

Wish me luck?

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

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Word for Wednesday (W4W) #47


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Play along here!

My final W4W of 2015!

I want to say a quick, but very sincere thank you to everyone who has joined in my little meme – whether you’ve been a regular contributor or an occasional one, I am delighted you shared with me! I hope you will continue to link to W4W next year.

This week’s word is…

Hedonism

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We are at that time of year where many people’s thoughts wander to resolutions to be better people, eat less, drink less, smoke less, detox, exercise… sigh.

I have blogged before about the days when I exercised epic, heroic feats of self control and discipline regarding my diet and lifestyle and how I eventually took it to an extreme that was no longer healthy.

These days I have done a 180° and have been eating and drinking as if the world was about to end tomorrow. Exercise? Huh? What’s that now? Does lifting the wine glass or switching the remote count? Can sneezing count as cardio?

My capacity for self control seems to have left the building and I have become a complete hedonist.

Food tastes so good and that feeling of a full tummy is so satisfying. Wine tastes so good and that delicious buzz after a few glasses is such fun. Touch, massage, sex, orgasms… well come on! These are the things that make life worth living!

However, I know deep in my heart that I must have a change of attitude. My clothes are too tight, my energy is low, my sleep pattern wrecked. I think I have lost balance and my hedonistic ways, whilst they brought me enormous pleasure, have had a negative impact on my life.

My plan is thus: I will continue my naughty, self indulgent celebration of excess for a few more days and, once 2016 is with us, I will endeavour to turn over a new leaf.

My challenge is to strive for a balance this time. Monday to Friday I shall do my utmost to be “good” – I will eat well, drink less and move more. The weekends will be my designated hedonistic fun times.

Sounds so reasonable, yes? Sounds so simple…

Sounds simple… but remember, simple and easy are not the same things!

Let’s see how I go, right?

Ciao!

💋

I wish you all a very Happy New Year and I truly hope 2016 brings you all only good health, good fortune and good times

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

 

 

 

My Demon


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This sums me up.

I have an insanely self-destructive nature. Always have had, for as long as I can remember.

I self-sabotage, self-harm, repeat mistakes whilst fully aware that I am doing so. I drive myself, (and people who care about me), crazy.

I have one massively self-destructive habit in particular that I simply cannot seem to shake off.

My Dark Demon.

I am aware of it; actually, it takes up far too much space in my head every waking, (and frequently dreaming), moment.

I know I need to stop it. I need to confront it and deal with it.

It is detrimental to my health and well-being, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

I have tried to fix this on my own with zero success but I am loath to seek any help from outside.

Why? I do not know.

I tend to think I am a strong person with most aspects of life. I have overcome more than my fair share of adversity and survived.

I generally have this attitude to life:

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But this one thing lingers.

Sits on my shoulders and weighs me down.

I feel unable to find that power within myself. It feels impossible. Hopeless.

I know this week is not the week I will conquer this demon, but I truly hope I’ll get there… sooner rather than later.

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com
All rights reserved.

Writing this was meant to help me focus and work this out. Seems I have failed at that too!

Fighting Demons


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The wonderful bustythewench posted this image on her twitter feed and it struck a chord with me.

Regular readers of kittykatbitsandbobs will be all too knowledgeable, if not bored to death, about my demons and my ongoing struggle to slay them.

I will admit that they have been gaining strength of late and I am weighed down by the fatigue of fighting them.

What is worse perhaps, is that I am slowly abandoning hope that anything will ever truly change.

I cannot seem to break the patterns of behaviour and thinking that are detrimental to my mental, emotional and physical health.

I am fully aware of what I am doing wrong and yet I continue to do it! What’s the definition of insanity? Oh yes.. thanks Albert!

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Is it laziness stopping me from making changes?

Is it fear?

I am working on working this out…

But to anyone else reading this who is fighting demons, whatever form they take, I wish you strength, perseverance, resilience and most of all, hope.

If all else fails consider this…

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Keep surviving friends.

Ciao.

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com
All rights reserved.

Oops! I Did It Again…


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I have done it again…

Once more, I have opened myself up, offered too much of myself and once more, I have received little in return other than hurt and disappointment.

Will I ever learn?

Why do people suck others dry?

Are they Thoughtless? Depressed? Insecure? Selfish? Unaware?

Does it even matter?

What matters is that I somehow, (and I find this nigh on impossible), I somehow have to find a way to be me and also protect me. My natural leaning is towards helping people, listening, trying to be a support and of use to them. I need to find a way to continue to fulfil this inner need in me, whilst not losing myself in the process.

This is a challenge; one that I have faced and failed at many, many times already. But hey, that’s life I guess… Gotta pick myself up, put myself back together and begin afresh.

And next time, I must remember that advice they give you on airplanes…

Put on your own life jacket before you help others coz you can’t help anyone else if you are drowning yourself.

Wish me luck?

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com
All rights reserved.

First Step…


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Sigh…

Yeah, I’m opening with a sigh.

I chatted with a friend this morning, who asked me what my plans for the day were. It made me realise that I have no plans at all. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did have a plan for my day.

I used to be a highly motivated creature.

Each day I would bounce out of bed, ready for the world and all that it could throw at me. Yes, I was that annoyingly chipper person first thing. From the moment I opened my eyes, I was ON.

I would do a daily workout, shower and eat. Then I would either tackle housework or walk into town to get supplies for whatever meal that I had planned for that night. I baked fresh bread every single day and always cooked from scratch.

Lately, well no, that is a lie… for a long time now, I find that I struggle to get out of bed. I cannot recall my last workout. I rarely walk into town anymore, instead I text a list of things we need to the OH to pick up on his way home.

I, hanging my head in shame, no longer bake bread. We eat shop bought wholemeal bread from the bakery section. I do still manage housework… but let us just say the Domestic Goddess title is ever so slightly disingenuous these days.

I truly want to be that other woman again.

Energetic, driven, focused, motivated.

The real killer is this…

I know what the problem is.

I know how to fix it.

But I simply… don’t.

What sort of a moron knows how to make herself feel better, happier, yet still does nothing to make it happen? Oh hang on… yeah that’d be this moron, the one sitting at her kitchen table typing right now.

Will I ever find the will to face my issue and actually deal with it?

I hope so.

I will try.

Perhaps writing this, sharing this, is my first step?

Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Searching for Balance


Today I need to address an issue that has been bugging me for a long time now.

I was once a person who had tremendous self-discipline.
I mean, it was Legendary.
I was known for it.
Admired for it.
People were in awe of it.

People who cared about me suggested I should cut myself some slack and relax.

I reflected on this advice and decided I would give it a spin. It turned out I was just as good at having zero discipline as I was at having 100% discipline.

I have always had a way of describing my self that goes “I don’t do grey”.
I mean it insofar as I am a person who is an either / or.
I do something totally or I don’t do it at all.
I love completely or I have no interest.

Everything I do is extreme.

Let me tell you, this does not make for an easy or happy life!
I stress.
I worry.
I get anxious.
Or I am completely zen and calm.
I chillax.
Never a halfway point.

When I had amazing self-discipline I lost lots of weight, got abs of steel, arms to die for.
My skin glowed, my eyes sparkled, I had energy to burn.

But people worried I was being too hard on myself.
They were right.

I loosened the diet and exercise regime.
I relaxed…
Nothing terrible happened.
I relaxed a bit more.
Then a bit more.
Now I eat too much.
Drink too much.
I hardly ever move at all.

It is complete luck that I am still wearing size 6 jeans. At my peak of fitness I was wearing age 11 jeans however. (its important to note I am incredibly short). Which I now accept is ridiculous for a grown adult woman.

I suspect by anyones standards I could not be considered overweight today.
It is my standard that is too high.
I miss my tight, toned abs, my sculpted triceps, my cheekbones!
I miss the feeling of satisfaction that came from feeling in control.

I know now, with hindsight, that I was pretty unhealthy back in the “good old skinny days”.
I realise that I was perhaps being unkind to myself rather than simply exercising strong self-discipline. It was perhaps more like self deprivation? Self punishment?

But the sheer gluttony and slothfulness I am practising now is not healthy either.
I think I am still being unkind to myself.
I need to figure out why.
I need to try to find some balance in my life.
I need to learn to moderate.

I am seriously, truly concerned that this is going to be impossible for me though.
As a “don’t do grey” person, how do I learn to make the shift to a balanced approach to life, food, drink, exercise?

I want to catch this now before I do return to being overweight and unfit.

I want to catch this before I start to seriously punish and hurt myself, health wise.

I want to figure this out.

I will try…

Ciao

x