Here We Go Again…


2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

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Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Return of the Kat!


Hello!

I blogged on Tuesday about my WP absence and the difficult time I have been having and today I am very  happy to tell you that I am back to what passes for normal for Kittykat.

I underwent a couple of not very pleasant procedures called a hysteroscopy and a D&C a month ago. They were a long time coming, as I had deferred and rescheduled them several times due to chest infections and generally being a total scaredy-kat about the whole general anaesthetic thing. However, I got through it and came out the other side, bruised, bleeding and sore but in one piece.

Lying in bed afterwards, still groggy from the GA, the young doctor stood beside me and casually dropped the C-bomb on me. I had no idea cancer was even a possibility, so this came as quite the shock. In retrospect, the doctor really should have waited for me to be more alert and should certainly have waited until the OH had returned to be with me while she spoke to me.

I went home, having been told that my biopsy was being marked urgent, as the procedure revealed some ‘suspicious’ things, and that I would return for results about whether or not I had cancer within 4 weeks.

Way to break the news!

I spent four weeks making dreadfully dark jokes about having cancer, dying and all things morbid, (as is my way…). I think the OH deserves an award of some sort for putting up with me. I did my research online and basically resigned myself to the fact that I would be facing a hysterectomy and that was that. Pragmatic Kat.

Yesterday, I went to get my results. On the drive in we spotted a single magpie and of course I made a joke about that. We talked nonsense in between asking each other if we were ok, (we said we were but we weren’t). We touched hands and exchanged glances a lot more than was probably safe whilst driving.

When we reached the hospital I suddenly felt more tense than I had through the entire four weeks previously, suddenly tearful and anxious. Vulnerable.

My name was called and a pleasant doctor spoke the words everyone facing a cancer diagnosis wants to hear, “Your histogolgy came back good.” My chances of developing cancer over the next 20 years are less than 5%… I’ll take those odds thank you very much!

I felt, after my cryptic blog posts, that I owed y’all and explanation and, boy, am I happy to be giving this one rather than the much less happy one I had rehearsed in my head for weeks.

I confided in a few people I consider good friends on twitter, and I have to say, they were absolutely amazing in their kindness and support. I really am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. Who says twitter friends aren’t ‘real’? They say you know who your true friends are when the shit hits the fan… this was proven to me recently.

My bestie and soul sister Feli was amazing too. She was, as always, a quiet, solid source of strength for me and I am truly grateful to her for telling me I was simply not allowed to have cancer. (And for carrying on as normal in the meanwhile, discussing all the most important things in life, ie; sex and food.)

And as for the OH… where do I begin? The man was there. 100% there. He gave me space to make bad jokes, to be moody, to be silly, to get disgustingly drunk, to be whatever I needed to be. I want to publicly thank him for, as clichéd as it is, being my rock.

And so my friends, that is my news! Its good. I feel lighter than I have in months. I can breathe again!

Fret not, I will still bitch and moan about being ugly/fat/useless/depressed… I am still me after all.

But for today I am smiling.

And listen to me – If you notice anything odd happening to your body, do this…

GO TO THE DOCTOR!

Today.

Make the call now.

Don’t be a scaredy-kat.

Don’t put it off.

I spent two years, (yes, really), being silly and burying my head in the sand and I still got amazingly lucky.

Don’t be a twit like me.

oh…

And go hug someone you love!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

 

Reality Bites


Silver sunlight sparkles on the still surface of the water as the bow of the boat slices smoothly through it. I hear you approach from behind. You rest your hands on my shoulders, gently massaging them, “Coffee? Wine?”

I smile, “Surprise me.”

Long, heavy, leaden branches droop lazily into the canal, overburdened with foliage and blossoms. A verdant paradise of scented sensory stimulation. I close my eyes and inhale the perfume, listen to the soft lapping of the water, feel myself lightly rocked by the motion of the barge.

I hear you sink into the chair next to me and I turn to open my eyes and look at you. You are holding out a glass of sparkling white wine, cloudy condensation dripping down the glass. I take it and raise it in the air.

“To you,” you say.

“To us,” I reply and we clink a toast.

Its effervescence tickles my nostrils as I take a sip; sharp bubbles bursting on my tongue and catching in my throat making me cough slightly. Giggling I swallow and watch you as you look out at the scene before us; ducks and swans swimming amicably alongside us, green tendrils trailing beneath the surface of the water.

I feel content, relaxed and happy. Everything is just how it should be. Everything feels right.

A loud voice shatters my peace, “Now then! Time to take your vitals again, up you sit,” the strong, forcefully cheerful Dublin accent of the nurse breaking through my dream. Unwelcome, familiar pain floods my body as I struggle to sit up, my mouth parched, lips cracked.

Reality crashes in.

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Still Here!


You may have, (or, more likely may not have), noticed my absence of late. Today is the first day I have felt able to open my beloved Mac Book Pro and type again.

I have been facing some tough challenges, health and personal, the details of which I will not bore you with right now, but suffice to say they have been enough to have seen me retreat into myself in order to get through the past couple of months.

The lovely OH bought me this last month as part of my birthday stash and it makes me smile to think of how very well he knows me.

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This morning is the first time I have plucked up the courage to make a few notes in it about what is on my batshit-crazed-hamster-in-a-wheel-mind, and it surprised me by actually helping.

I will be getting some news on Thursday that will hopefully be good, but even if it is not, I think I will be ok. I have *Himself, who has been a tower of strength, and some very lovely friends who have reached out and offered support over the past while.

I feel the urge and need to write again, to be part of the blogging community and to rebuild much-valued links and relationships here. I do not have anything of great insight or creativity to share just yet, but I am hopeful that this first wee toe-dipping today is the start of KittyKat coming back to the blogosphere that I have missed so much.

Love y’all!

Ciao!

* no, not god! I am not a believer in magic; I refer to the OH here.

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Repeal


I don’t use my blog as a place to discuss politics, but today, I am making an exception.

Please watch this incredibly powerful video clip. It says everything I want to say, but does so much more articulately than I ever could.

“Repeal Project seeks to vindicate the rights of Irish women by reflecting , respecting and representing the need and want for free safe and legal access to abortion in Ireland. Making it seen that this issue needs to be heard. ”

— REPEAL PROJECT

To learn more, click here.

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

A Note on Turning Point


Warning! This post contains a very large and potentially nauseating dose of positivity and hope… proceed with caution!

I wrote and shared my post Turning Point yesterday with more than a little trepidation.

My fear was that people would think I was exaggerating, making it all up, or just plain crazy.

To say I have been blown away by the support and kindness shown to me in response to the post, both on here and twitter, is an understatement. I want to say a sincere and heartfelt thank you to everyone who commented and affirmed that I had handled the situation well and with strength and courage.

*

Last night I had perhaps two hours of broken sleep at best and was very tired this morning. I was tempted to stay home, but instead I left the bed at 7.30, ate a good breakfast, chatted to friends and got ready to go out.

I walked into town, enjoying the breeze on my skin.

I managed to get the bones of a new piece of flash fiction formed in my head, as well as a few ideas for a card I want to make for the OH and my anniversary later this month. I smiled at a gorgeous Labrador who was carrying today’s edition of The Daily Mirror in his mouth for his owner. I treated myself to some new pens for crafting and colouring. I popped into the doctor’s office to change my prescription for a new antibiotic, (the one I was on was ripping my tummy apart Aliens-style). I bought some salad and fresh bread and, as I walked home, I inhaled the fresh green scent of the hedges on the side of my road being trimmed by a tractor, (which surprisingly did not trigger my hay fever). As I walked up my driveway I caught sight of the two little fluffy white heads of my furry daughters perched looking eagerly out the lounge window and it made me laugh. They really do resemble two little ghosts.

I came, drank some ice-cold water, cuddled them and decided to write this.

All very mundane and not making for riveting reading, but you know what?

I feel good!

I am not thinking about my body, my size, my appearance, how much I don’t measure up.

I enjoyed the very tiny, simple things that we all to often miss. I used my imagination. I smiled at people. I enjoyed the physicality of walking and carrying home groceries.

I am so very ready to feel different.

I deserve to feel better.

I deserve to feel happy.

I deserve to take care of myself and treat myself with care.

I deserve to remind myself that I am a kind, caring, smart, funny, good and strong person.

I am more than my appearance.

I am more than my past experiences and traumas.

I am more than the mistakes I have made.

I know there will be dips but if determination alone can get me to where I want and need to be then I am feeling hopeful.

If you see me slipping remind me ok?

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And once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

💓💓💓

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Word For Wednesday (W4W) #69


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Play along here!

Yes, I know it is Thursday!

Apologies for another late W4W but I have good reason! Read on…

This week’s word is:

Tendonitis

As you will probably know if you are a twitter friend, because I have been telling all and sundry of my woes this week, I have this –

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I really shouldn’t be typing or tweeting or using my right arm much at all. The pain is intense, but as a chronically right handed person I am seriously struggling to NOT use my arm!

On Monday I had the pleasure of having my GP administer a cortisone injection directly into my shoulder joint. Yes, a two inch needle pierced my skin and sank balls deep into my poor inflamed tendon. I can tell you the sensation of 80mg of milky liquid being pushed into your tendon is not for everyone. A strange burning pressure. The worst part was afterwards; the pain seriously spiked as I paid the receptionist, (and not because I was waving goodbye to €50). The OH watched from the car as I left the surgery and said I was freakishly pale. I love pain yes, but not this type!

Two days rest and I can actually raise my arm to shoulder level again! It is stiff, and after ripping apart a whole chicken into portions for curry, a little sore, but seems to be on the mend.

It is funny that I am not remotely a 40+ year old male labourer, the most common sufferer.

I think, seeing as my pain stems from RSI from typing and tweeting, they should include bloggers and social media addicts to the list of at risk groups!

So, seeing as I have been suffering, you guys forgive my tardiness, right?

ps – you have no idea how tempted I was to have a different W4W this week… seriously, look at the number we’ve reached and remember that underneath the greying hair and ever increasing wrinkles of this blogger lies a weird little 14 year old boy freak… snigger!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.