30 Truths


I found this on sweetndirty.com’s blog and decided it could be fun to do. I have switched it up and instead of posting one a day for thirty days, I have opted to make them a single blog post, simply because the idea of writing a post every day for thirty days is just making my brain hurt!

01 : Something you hate about yourself.

Where to begin… I have many things I hate about myself, but I think the one that I hate most is my self-destructive nature. I am truly horrible to myself most of the time and it does not serve me in any way, yet I continue to do it. The irony of the situation is that in order to stop I must take steps in the direction of self-care and self-love, which of course is very hard to do if your default position is self-destruction and self-loathing. Go figure…

02 : Something you love about yourself.

Ok… (she swallows in preparation to write something nice about herself…)

I do love that I am a person that genuinely likes and cares about people. I find people fascinating, amazing, funny, lovely, intriguing. Yes there are nasty folk out there, but I believe the majority of them are that way because they are deeply unhappy and not because, to use the OH’s favourite saying, “people are cunts”. People are fundamentally good in my view and deserve compassion, love and acceptance. But then again the OH also says that I live in my own little bubble, so who knows?

03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Oh so many things!

Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad wife.

Fucking up so many times.

Letting myself down. Always letting myself down.

04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have discovered that when someone hurts me I find it incredibly difficult to forgive and forget.

It is probably because if they have the power to hurt me that means I have let them in to my innermost self and have trusted them implicitly, so if they fuck up I feel very betrayed and let down. I am completely aware of how bad this makes me sound and I do not like this aspect of myself. As the well-known quote says, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, I guess perhaps this is another aspect of my self-destructive mentality… Forgiving and letting go would make me feel better and yet I struggle with it. This is something I need to work on.

05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

I do hope to travel more, see more of the world and meet more interesting people. I have been fortunate enough to travel to Jamaica, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, (never again!), England, Scotland, Wales, but that’s not enough!

I want to visit Tokyo so badly, Sweden, Canada, New Zealand, Singapore, Iceland, go coast to coast across the USA, visit my bestie Felicity… and so much more!

My two dogs, the OH’s work schedule and, of course, money are all limiting factors to my dream but hopefully I will get there!

06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to watch anyone I love in pain, which I know is completely unrealistic. I held the hands of both my parents as they took their last painful breaths and it is not a thing I ever want to have to experience again. Sadly, I am realistic enough to know there are very few guarantees that I can escape this awful possibility. Life sucks yeah?

07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.

The OH. As a person who has first hand experience of depression and suicide ideation I can say that knowing the pain and devastation that it would cause him if I were ever to fatally harm myself has been my saving more than once.

I am not of the belief that suicide is a selfish act. I believe it is a desperate, final attempt to escape unbearable pain and suffering and for some people it feels the only option. Perhaps they do not have people in their lives that they feel would be hurt by their death, or perhaps they are simply not in a place where they can see that their death would impact on others.

I have always been fascinated by and drawn to death, (yes I know how weird that makes me sound), so, having contemplated how I would feel if anything were to ever happen to the OH, I clearly understand how much it would hurt him if I were to die… which made me resist the lure of the ultimate escape more than once. I could never do that to him.

On a lighter note, he makes my life worth living because he makes me laugh daily, supports me and loves me and caring for him and looking after him makes me happy.

And my two furry babies make my life worth living, as do my adorable nieces and nephews and godchildren.

08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I was bullied a bit at school over the years and suffered under some truly terrifying teachers as well, both of which made me dread going to school.

I had shitty, abusive boyfriends that had no clue how to behave in a relationship.

I have family members, alive and dead, that have made me feel like shit many times.

But hey… I’m still here! A bit battered and with bruised self-esteem, but still here.

09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I had a best friend when I was in primary school, called Debbie. At some point during the summer between primary and secondary school she kind of… well, disappeared from my life. I never found out why, I think she may have gotten ill and her parents kept it all very quiet, but she never joined secondary school and I simply had to make new friends. It’s all very hazy.

10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmmm…. You can’t escape family can you?

11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh crap! I don’t know! I do get people on twitter commenting on my eyes a lot so maybe I’ll go with that… my eyes.

12 : Something you never get compliments on.

I have never, ever, ever been checked out or hit on by a member of the opposite sex in real life. On twitter and other social media yes, but IRL… not a jot!

13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Green Day,

During my 20’s I had what I call my ‘wilderness years’, where I somehow and unknowns to myself, stopped living consciously. I slobbed out, took my life for granted and became very overweight.

Then one day I woke up and felt different. I felt RAGE that my life had turned out as it had. Your epic album American Idiot was out and I felt as if you were talking directly to me. I used your music to fuel my rage.

I bought every single song you ever recorded and played them as I walked furiously for miles each day, pounding the pavements until I got blisters, working out until I couldn’t move anymore, sweating and shaking with exhaustion.

I lost the weight. I rediscovered who I was before I got lost. I became me again. I wore make up, painted my nails, cared about my appearance, my clothes and my hair.

I became strong and confident.

Your music helped me through a very dark period and for that I’ll always be grateful.

14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Sorry I can’t share this one with you all. It’s too personal.

15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

The OH.

We had some bad years… dreadful years where we both thought seriously about leaving. We found we could never do it. The thought of not being with each other was more painful than the pain being together was causing.

We stuck it out. We fought. We cried. We made it work. It wasn’t easy but then, most things worth having don’t come easy.

Oh… and coffee, me minus coffee is not a thing you want to experience.

16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Toxic people.

Emotional vampires.

Drama queens.

Meanness.

Cruelty.

Rudeness.

Bigotry.

17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I’m struggling with this one because I read fiction, pretty exclusively.

I rarely read non-fiction unless it is for studious reasons. I guess a lot of the text books I read during my Psych degree altered my views on how people are/work/act. Similarly, books I read about trauma and abuse when I trained to be a counselor helped educate me and helped me understand that subject.

18 : Your views on gay marriage.

We are about to have a referendum here in Ireland in a couple of weeks to decide whether to legalize gay marriage or not.

I am firmly in the Yes camp. In fact, I think it is deplorable that we have to have a referendum on it at all! I see this as a fundamental civil rights issue. The propaganda posters for the No vote I see plastered around are bigoted and offensive in the extreme. It reminds me of the bad old days where marriage between different religions or ethnicities were frowned upon.

Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, trans, flexi and everything inbetween… we are all entitled to love.

We are all entitled to equality under the law. I find the ‘arguments’ against gay marriage incomprehensible, illogical and downright homophobic.

I will be out on the day voting YES! I hope it goes through and that future generations look back in amazement that it was ever even an issue.

19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

First of all I think they should never be mixed! Ever.

I do not hold any religious beliefs. I am an atheist and I believe in humanism. I respect that people have different belief systems to me and I believe they have every right to worship whatever god they choose to.

I do think it is wrong to impose your beliefs on anyone else and I think that the tradition of children being baptised and raised in a religion that they had no choosing in is flawed.

Basically I ask that you follow the advice below…

religion-penis

20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I think as long as you are an adult, and you are not harming any one else, you are free to do to your body whatever the hell you choose to.

21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I go and help her! No questions. I’m there right beside her, all fight is forgotten. This is one case where forgiveness comes easy… puts things into perspective. Maybe there is a lesson here for me…

22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Oh man! Just ONE thing? Ha!

Ok… I wish I hadn’t passed on some pretty amazing opportunities I was offered in terms of advancing my education and career. I was too insecure and lacked the self-belief and so I chickened out, which I regret.

23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.

Spent more time getting to know my mother. We had the typical tumultuous teenage years, I moved away at 17 and she died when I was 20 so I never got that time with her.

24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I think a lot of my answers are covered in these posts

25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Wow! The OH, (see No. 07), feeling loved, Lily and Poppy, antidepressants!

26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Again… see No. 7.

And read this post.

27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I guess that I have good friends I can rely on and, yeah you guessed it… the OH! Also, my writing and blogging has had a very positive impact on my life and has brought me so much satisfaction.

28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

This is a tough one. I never felt the maternal thing… I chose, very consciously, not to have children. So, in my youth I would have opted for a termination if I had accidentally gotten pregnant. However, as I have gotten older I have wondered if I made the right choice. Have I missed out on a fundamental human experience? Would I have been a good mother?

I think now if I became pregnant by accident it would be a very different conversation in my head and also with the OH.

To answer this question honestly… I am not sure but I suspect I would be looking at maternity clothes… (The OH reads this and I wonder if he’s googling numbers for vasectomy clinics right now!)

29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

The self-destructive behaviours and thoughts.

If I could get a handle on them I believe I would be a much happier and more contented person. It is a daily struggle for me and I am not very optimistic that I will get there.

(And of course I want long, thick, glossy hair, a perfect figure and shitloads of money.)

30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Oh no! I did NOT see this one coming…

I will think and try to write this one another day…


That was a very interesting, and slightly mood altering, (aka depressing), experiment.

I think I need some quiet time to reflect on things now.

I hope you enjoyed this post and maybe think about having a go yourself? You might learn something about yourself. Please ping back if you do!

Thanks for reading!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Getting to know me…A-Z!


I found this little gem on http://littlemisadventures.com/ blog and told her I intended to steal it!

Once you finished learning a bit more about me, hop on over and check out hers here http://littlemisadventures.com/2015/02/19/get-to-know-me-a-z-2/

GET TO KNOW ME: A-Z

Attached or Single? Married! With the OH since 1991… yes… it’s been a loooong time!

Best Friend   See above! The OH wins this title!

Cake or Pie? I don’t eat cake… ever! Pie for me means savoury… fish pie, chicken pie, steak and kidney pie. Aaaand now I want pie!

Day of Choice? Sundays. I love the easy feel to them but I also find them bittersweet because it marks the beginning of the end of the weekend.

Essential Item?iPad! My baby is constantly in my hand. It goes everywhere with me. I’ve named him ffs!

Favourite Colour?     Green.

Gummy Bears or Worms? Oh! Neither! They give me migraines. I’d favour a good quality dark chocolate any day.

Home town? Oh now THAT would be telling!

Indulgence? My ultimate indulgence is something I actually haven’t had in years… which makes me sad. I need to fix that! Full body deep tissue massage!

January or July?    January is usually bleak. Broke, fat and hungover after Xmas. I’ll take the heat and sunshine of July any day. It also contains my wedding anniversary, so it’s a special month.

Kids? Two furry ones! Lily, the Bichon Frise, (AKA The Love Of My Life)

Lily

Lily

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Poppy, the Cavachon, (AKA The Destroyer)

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Life is not complete without…? Laughter and love.

Memory you cherish? Very special memory of the exact moment I fell for the OH. A close second is the day I got Lily.

Numbers of brothers/sisters? One of each. I’m the baby.

Oranges or Apples? I prefer apples but developed a pretty lethal allergy to them many years ago. I would LOVE a crunchy apple snack but, well, it’s just not gonna happen.

Pet Peeves? Oh god! Rudeness. Lateness. Narrow mindedness. Cruelty. Or you could just read this… https://k1kat.com/2014/06/10/things-that-piss-me-off/

Quotes? These

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And obviously this!

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Reasons to smile? My dogs, the OH, my nieces and nephews, my wonderful friends, chocolate! Just noticed the dogs beat the OH in the list!

Season of choice? Oh that’s hard! I’m torn between Spring and Autumn. Spring brings with it brighter days and the beauty of nature coming alive again after winter’s harshness. But I think I have to opt for Autumn. The leaves changing colour, the softer light, the excuse to wrap up more… perfect!

Tea or Coffee? Coffee!!! I always know I’m getting sick when I crave tea.

Unknown fact about me? What’s left after this grilling? Um… I can do the splits.

Vegetable? Ok let’s keep the stereotype alive and kicking, I do love my potatoes!

Worst habit? Lack of patience, with others and myself.

X-Ray or Ultra-sound? I have had x-rays several times and never like the idea of the radiation! I have never had an ultrasound but does an MRI trump both? Had one of those!

Your favourite trip? Fuerteventura. For once, I completely relaxed.

Zodiac sign? Scorpio.

That was fun!

I hope you all enjoyed getting to know me a little better.

Why not have a go yourselves? If you do please do link back to me here on my comments section. I would hate to miss out the chance to learn more about you guys and gals!

Oh! And let me know what you thought of it!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

This May Be TMI…!


When I began my quest to share my life, my experiences and my thoughts through this blog, I made a promise to myself and my readers that honesty and ‘realness’ would always be my top priority. I believe people relate to real life, they can smell falseness as easily as they could a burst sewage pipe.

I have been fortunate enough to have received many comments from my lovely followers saying they have identified with things I have written about, whether it was a funny piece about my dogs or my pet peeves, or more personal, serious pieces about my depression and relationship. It gladdens my heart to know that my words have struck a chord with someone. I have made real friendships as a result of some conversations sparked by a comment left by a reader on WP or Twitter.

So… in the spirit of entertaining you and ‘keeping it real, man’, I present to you todays silly story from my life… in all its ridiculous, humiliating and T.M.I. glory.

I hope it makes y’all smile!

The letter arrived… the letter surely all women dread. The smear test is due.

I know of no woman who is happy about making this particular appointment, but it is a necessary evil. A few minutes of discomfort and embarrassment is favourable to the possibility of an undetected cancer cell lurking deep inside.

Am I alone in making sure that I am ‘presentable’ for my appointment? I would never dream of rocking up unshowered, with my lady-garden untended to!

I wonder about the various shapes, sizes and styles of lady parts the nurse sees on a daily basis. I’m sure she encounters many groins she needs to search, ‘David Bellamy-style’, foraging through the undergrowth to reveal the hidden opening. Conversely, she is probably familiar with every possible intimate grooming style, ranging from completely bare, landing strips, patterns, vagazzle, dyed, pierced, tattooed… I am running out of ideas here, innocent that I am!

The day of my test arrived. I showered, (probably for longer than usual, to be honest!), ensured everything was neat and tidy and fit to be seen, put my pretty underwear on… oh yeah! I pull out all the stops!

Lying on the inspection table, naked from the waist down under a towel, (“how many other pubic areas has this been draped over?” I ponder uncomfortably), I engage the nurse in casual chitchat to break the awkwardness of the moment. She is friendly and I start to relax.

She lifts the towel, instructs me to assume the position, adjusts her spotlight, shining it directly up between my spread-eagled legs, and peers at me. I blink and keep my eyes locked on the ceiling. I hear her rip open the plastic cover of the speculum and, from the corner of my eye, see her apply a generous blob of KY Jelly to it. She is back at the end of the table, her head dipped between my thighs, once again having a good old look.

“Oh!” (NOT a good exclamation to hear coming from someone at your nether regions during a pelvic exam), “Wow! You are very small aren’t you?” her head pops up to look at my face.

“Um… I don’t know… am I?” I stutter, feeling ever so slightly mortified.

“Oh yes!” she starting to sound a but excited now… “You’ll need a much smaller speculum,” and she trots off to find the super-small instrument.

Returning to her position between my legs, which are starting to feel cold and ache ever so slightly from being spread wide open for this delayed period of time.

Usually when they are in this position I am, how shall I say this? a tad more active!

She readjusts her spotlight, (“all the better to see you with my dear” …no, she didn’t actually say that), and begins the examination properly.

“Yes…. You REALLY are extraordinarily tiny! So very tiny…” she marvels, as if I am rare and exotic creature.

I lie there thinking, “Jesus! Can you stop?!”, “Should I say thank you for the compliment? Say I’ve never had any complaints? That the OH is a very lucky man?”

I feel the uncontrollable urge to giggle and bite my tongue to stifle it. This has developed into an awkward enough situation, without me howling like a hyena while she has her fingers on my fucking vulva…

It is finally over. She replaces the towel, (I’m still pretty concerned about the hygiene aspect of that), and attends to the paperwork of the test, sealing my contribution in a plastic tube.

“You will need to remember to say next time that you are so very small, ok?” she chirps.

As if I’ll ever forget this encounter!

Walking home, I make a mental note to inform the OH that he is indeed a lucky man… I’m honeymoon fresh!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Life Motto


Be silly
Be honest
Be kind

✨✨✨

Words to live by don’t ya think?

I have lived my life more or less according to this quote, which incidentally, I only found last week.

Being Silly comes incredibly naturally to me. It’s kind of my default position. I effortlessly do many, many silly things every singe day. In my opinion, Being Silly is an essential life skill. Life is damn tough a LOT of the time.The world can be a shitty place.People can be total bastards to each other.Being Silly helps me cope. The sheer joy I get from doing a spur of the moment dance routine around the kitchen as my dog and OH watch with bemusement makes all the crappy bits of life easier to bear. Jumping on and freewheeling my trolley down an empty aisle at Tesco makes me happy. If a great song is playing, even better! Why not strut down the aisle “a la” Beyoncé if I feel like it?

Being Honest. If I can guarantee you one thing it’s this… I will tell you the truth. Honestly! If the people who matter in your life cannot be upfront and Honest with you, what’s the point of them being there? It might be difficult to tell someone the truth, but in the long term it’s always better. If I’m not Honest about something, I find it will gnaw away at me until I come clean. Perhaps you think I’m being selfish then, telling truths, even if they are uncomfortable? Maybe I am, but I prefer to live a life that is transparent, one where I do not need to remember lies or cover stories. If the issue I need to be Honest about is hurtful or difficult, I will tell the truth in, what I hope, is a gentle and compassionate way. I tell the person the truth because I respect them enough and care for them enough to take that risk. And I do it as kindly as I can.

Which leads very handily to…

Be Kind. My reasoning here is similar to my Reasons To Be Silly. Kindness makes life so much more pleasurable. It is powerful, insofar as when you are kind, rather than nasty or cruel, you feel better! When you are Kind you make other people happier, which I have always found, makes me happier. I truly worry for people who feel the need to be nasty, scathing or mean to other people. I worry that to carry such bitterness and bile inside they must be unhappy with their lives. On the occasions where I have been less than Kind, I know it came from a place of unhappiness or anger inside me. I might have lashed out those times and in doing so made someone else share my unhappiness, but it has never made me feel better or done anything to lessen my sadness. If anything, I came out of the exchange feeling even worse than before. The wonderful thing about Kindness is it increase happiness al round and usually is contagious. Think about the last time someone showed you Kindness… I bet it was hard to not be kind in return or in the next exchange you had with another person. Let’s make Kindness an epidemic!

In fact, let’s make the three things, Sillyness, Honesty, Kindness our new life mantra!

Go out today, do something gloriously Silly! Laugh and enjoy it.

Go out today, tell the truth! Be fearless and feel strong! Be Honest.

Go out today, do some thing Kind for no reason at all. Smile at a stranger. Pay a compliment.

Let’s go make life Lovely!

Ciao

💋

 

 

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