I am aware that my blogs appeal to quite different audiences, but I cannot decide where today’s entry should live… so I am posting it to both blogs.

The OH left for work this morning very tired and not in the best of health. But he went in to his office with a smile and hugs and kisses for the girls and myself.

His job is incredibly demanding and very, very stressful, (hence the recurrent bad health). He works with people who, and I am being generous when I say this, are less than cooperative and pleasant to be around. He works tirelessly every day, with very little recognition or support, and comes home to us three loony girls and whatever chaos is waiting for him here.

He is never too busy for us. His motto in life is, and has been since the day I met him, “there is always time for a hug”. I know, without doubt, that I am his top priority. I can call on him anytime for anything and he will deliver. Yes, I scold him for spending too much time playing games on his phone, but when the shit hits the fan he is there. Always.

I truly think I got the better end of the deal in this relationship. I have no idea how he puts up with me. He endures my endless chatter, my anxieties, my depressive dark thoughts, my hormonal moods. He laughs with me when I am silly and playful, he joins in singing in the car, he dances with me in the kitchen. He is generous, with his time and with material things. He is kind, funny and, (*although he does get it wrong sometimes), he always does his best.

I never feel I do enough to support him or show him how much he means to me. I do my best to make sure he comes home to a loving and happy home. When we hear him come in through the door every evening the girls and I literally run to greet him and I love to see how happy that makes him.

I take care of all the domestic tasks so that once he gets home he can relax and unwind, (ok, ok, he does take care of the bins!). I listen when he has a gripe or dilemma about work and try to help him work it out. I take great pride and pleasure in cooking his meals, making sure his shirts are washed and ironed, making good healthy lunches for him to take into work. It feels the very least I can do.

And yet I do not think I do enough. How can I?

As well as working so hard to keep us fed, watered and sheltered, he relieves me of the burden of things I find too stressful to deal with. He takes care of all the nasty financial jobs such as finding the best deals in insurance, utilities and general admin. I take an incredibly ‘ostrich with her head in the sand’ approach to such matters. I can hear my feminist sisters screaming at me now that I need to be more in control of these things. I know that if anything happened to him I would be very vulnerable and quite helpless. He is the grown up and I am the silly kid.

I felt the need to write this today to let him know that each and every little thing he does for me and our family is appreciated. I wanted to tell him, very publicly, how much I love him and how grateful I am to have met him all those years ago.

For the record, (and before you all throw up as a result of my sentimentality today), we have not always been happy. We had some very difficult times, and there were even points where we weren’t sure we would make it. But at the end of the day, neither of us could imagine life without our best friend.

I believe in soul mates… why? Because I met mine 25 years ago.


Copyright, 2016,

All rights reserved.

*randomly pointing out that Lily has a shorter life expectancy than me, causing me to tear up was not your best moment babe…

Happy Birthday!



Tomorrow is a very special day.

Tomorrow is your birthday!

It’s a special day for me because it marks the day you entered the world, and for that I am grateful because I treasure having you in my life.

This road we’ve walked together has not always been smooth. We’ve encountered more than our fair share of potholes, speed bumps and unexpected twists and turns. It’s been difficult and painful and at times we worried we wouldn’t make it.

And yet here we are; still travelling it, side by side, hand in hand.

We were just babies when we met! Right now, I am looking at the strip of passport photos of us mucking around that is on our fridge… My God! were we ever that young?!

We had the privilege of growing up together.

I remember the sweet, shy, insecure boy I fell head over heels for… skinny, goofy and cute beyond belief. I look at you today in awe and wonder at the self-assured, sexy, confident man you have grown into. And I was there to watch it happen, right before my very eyes.

I want to acknowledge today all the amazing things you have done for me and all the ways you have enhanced my life; so here goes…


You’ve seen the ugliest parts of me and you stayed despite them.

When I cried, you wiped my tears and rocked me in your arms.

When I fell, you picked me up, dusted me off and helped me move on.

When my legs were unsteady, you held my hand and guided me.

When I binged and became overweight, you loved me anyway.

When I went crazy and dropped seriously underweight, you loved me and supported me.

When I doubted myself, you reassured me.

When I hated myself, you fought to show me you loved me.

When I fucked up and hurt you, you forgave me.


When I laugh, you laugh along with me.

When I dance, you have learned to dance with me.

When I am silly, you join me and we are silly together.

When I am wrong, you tell me.

When I am right… you’ve learned to acknowledge it!


With you I feel safe, protected, important.

You put me first.


You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my soulmate.

For your birthday, I wish you everything that is good…

I wish you happiness, joy, laughter, love, health, luck, success… everything.

If I could give you all that, I would.

What I give to you is me.

All of me, body, spirit, heart, mind and soul.

I give it to you to keep, forever.

Happy Birthday my love!


Now… let’s go rock out to the Foos!  (yeah… you are meant to click there babe!)


(ps: sorry for the very clichéd and hackneyed road metaphor!)


Copyright, 2015,

All rights reserved.

Words That Changed My Life…

Sometimes we can trace back how our lives have turned out to the smallest of things, like words that were spoken to you or by you.


The OH was a shy guy when I met him, chatty once he was comfortable with you, but never the type to make the first move, (more about that later!). We made friends in second year of college.  I always tried to copy his homework because he was better at Chemistry than I was. I laughed at his jokes and stories in class and I liked him, but never really saw him as anything more than a mate.

I was walking home from the pub one night, a bit brokenhearted that my latest crush wasn’t showing me much reciprocal interest, and there he was on the bridge. We stopped to chat and, out of the blue, (and very unlike the shy guy I had come to know), he offered to walk me home… in the direction he had just come from, even though his house was just around the corner.

That moment of bravery on his part, when he uttered the words, “Can I walk you home?” was the start of something bigger than either of us could ever have imagined. I do believe, in that moment, everything I felt about him changed, just like that.


Fast forward a month or so, during which time the OH and I spent a lot more time together. I loved being with him, but we were still just buddies, even though I knew I wanted more. I was always around him, finding excuses to hang out. I even fell asleep on his sofa with him one night and when I woke in the morning I angled my face up so our lips were almost meeting and waited for him to wake up and accidentally kiss me. It didn’t work… he woke up and nearly fell off the sofa with shock!

[Sidenote: it sounds as if he wasn’t interested which is not true. Years later I asked about how we got together and he told me he had seen me on the very first day of college, a year prior to us ever talking, and he remembered what I was wearing and where I sat in class. He just never thought, (his words), he had a shot with me.]

As the weeks went on, and he remained as gentlemanly as ever, I became more and more frustrated, but with the cocky confidence of youth on my side, I was not going to admit defeat. I wanted this guy and I intended to get him.

After a half-term break we all returned to college and on the Sunday night before class hit the nightclub. We danced as a large group, no one-on-one dancing at all, we drank and had a laugh. Once the ‘slow set’ came on my friend Linda pushed the two of us out onto the dance floor, (as we had planned!), and we did the slow dance shuffle thing awkwardly. I kept my face very available for any kisses he might have wanted to plant but sadly the set ended and my lips remained untouched.

Linda took me aside, “WTF?!” and I decided it was time for me to ‘man up’ and take charge of this situation.

Slow set number two began and I gave him the “Are you dancin?” eyebrow raise and nod towards the floor and he got up.

We danced for all of a minute, my heart beating out of my chest with nerves, when I looked up at him and said the line, “If I do something, will we still be friends tomorrow?” He smiled down at me, (I think he knew what was about to happen), and said “Of course!” I leaned up and planted a very chaste kiss on his lips and as I pulled away he wrapped his arms around me and drew me in for a very deep kiss. We kissed all night and he walked me home.


In Ireland, certainly back in 1991, people didn’t ‘date’. We ‘went out’ with people, we would “go” with someone. If you liked someone you were exclusive from day one until you broke up. As we stood at my door, arms around each other, I said, “So…” and waited to see what would happen.

“So…” he replied smiling, I repeated, “So…” and then he said the next couple of words that changed my life.

“So, do ya wanna go with me or what?”

Romantic huh? Of course, I said yes!


Fast forward seven years. We lived together practically from day one, he bought me a toothbrush and a hairbrush for his flat and I basically moved in one piece of clothes at a time.

One day we both had to get formally dressed to get headshots done for some CVs we were sending out to find work. We were lying on our double bed after we got home, me wearing my little business skirt, nylons, a bra and his necktie, (there’s an image!), and him in his open collared shirt trousers.

My parents had both died and I had a bit of inheritance. I was telling him about a chat I’d had with my older brother at the weekend about spending it and that life is short, see the world etc. etc.

We started fantasising about places we would like to holiday in, safari in Africa, the Caribbean, the Seychelles, The Maldives and I said, “Jesus, they are like… not just holidays! Those are serious honeymoon type places,” and he looked down at me and said, “Well let’s do that,” to which I replied something along the lines of “Yeah right, feck off!”

He looked at me and said it… “So, you wanna marry me or what?”, (the romantic devil).

He did have to ask me a few more times before I believed he was deadly serious. I said yes and then proceeded to get the shakes, trembling uncontrollably. So, he took my hand, brought me downstairs, made me beans on toast and fed me until I stopped shaking. (Even back then the guy knew how to give aftercare!)


I look back at my life, and at how I got here, and the four most important lines that were ever said to me or that I ever said are imprinted on my memory:

“Can I walk you home?”

“If I do something will we still be friends tomorrow?”

“Wanna go with me or what?”

“Wanna marry me or what?”


Such small little sentences that made such a difference. 53f5b35c2fa1d41015025c2a0c19fb21

I hold them in my heart always.



Copyright, 2015,

All rights reserved.

30 Truths

I found this on’s blog and decided it could be fun to do. I have switched it up and instead of posting one a day for thirty days, I have opted to make them a single blog post, simply because the idea of writing a post every day for thirty days is just making my brain hurt!

01 : Something you hate about yourself.

Where to begin… I have many things I hate about myself, but I think the one that I hate most is my self-destructive nature. I am truly horrible to myself most of the time and it does not serve me in any way, yet I continue to do it. The irony of the situation is that in order to stop I must take steps in the direction of self-care and self-love, which of course is very hard to do if your default position is self-destruction and self-loathing. Go figure…

02 : Something you love about yourself.

Ok… (she swallows in preparation to write something nice about herself…)

I do love that I am a person that genuinely likes and cares about people. I find people fascinating, amazing, funny, lovely, intriguing. Yes there are nasty folk out there, but I believe the majority of them are that way because they are deeply unhappy and not because, to use the OH’s favourite saying, “people are cunts”. People are fundamentally good in my view and deserve compassion, love and acceptance. But then again the OH also says that I live in my own little bubble, so who knows?

03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Oh so many things!

Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad wife.

Fucking up so many times.

Letting myself down. Always letting myself down.

04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have discovered that when someone hurts me I find it incredibly difficult to forgive and forget.

It is probably because if they have the power to hurt me that means I have let them in to my innermost self and have trusted them implicitly, so if they fuck up I feel very betrayed and let down. I am completely aware of how bad this makes me sound and I do not like this aspect of myself. As the well-known quote says, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, I guess perhaps this is another aspect of my self-destructive mentality… Forgiving and letting go would make me feel better and yet I struggle with it. This is something I need to work on.

05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

I do hope to travel more, see more of the world and meet more interesting people. I have been fortunate enough to travel to Jamaica, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, (never again!), England, Scotland, Wales, but that’s not enough!

I want to visit Tokyo so badly, Sweden, Canada, New Zealand, Singapore, Iceland, go coast to coast across the USA, visit my bestie Felicity… and so much more!

My two dogs, the OH’s work schedule and, of course, money are all limiting factors to my dream but hopefully I will get there!

06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to watch anyone I love in pain, which I know is completely unrealistic. I held the hands of both my parents as they took their last painful breaths and it is not a thing I ever want to have to experience again. Sadly, I am realistic enough to know there are very few guarantees that I can escape this awful possibility. Life sucks yeah?

07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.

The OH. As a person who has first hand experience of depression and suicide ideation I can say that knowing the pain and devastation that it would cause him if I were ever to fatally harm myself has been my saving more than once.

I am not of the belief that suicide is a selfish act. I believe it is a desperate, final attempt to escape unbearable pain and suffering and for some people it feels the only option. Perhaps they do not have people in their lives that they feel would be hurt by their death, or perhaps they are simply not in a place where they can see that their death would impact on others.

I have always been fascinated by and drawn to death, (yes I know how weird that makes me sound), so, having contemplated how I would feel if anything were to ever happen to the OH, I clearly understand how much it would hurt him if I were to die… which made me resist the lure of the ultimate escape more than once. I could never do that to him.

On a lighter note, he makes my life worth living because he makes me laugh daily, supports me and loves me and caring for him and looking after him makes me happy.

And my two furry babies make my life worth living, as do my adorable nieces and nephews and godchildren.

08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I was bullied a bit at school over the years and suffered under some truly terrifying teachers as well, both of which made me dread going to school.

I had shitty, abusive boyfriends that had no clue how to behave in a relationship.

I have family members, alive and dead, that have made me feel like shit many times.

But hey… I’m still here! A bit battered and with bruised self-esteem, but still here.

09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I had a best friend when I was in primary school, called Debbie. At some point during the summer between primary and secondary school she kind of… well, disappeared from my life. I never found out why, I think she may have gotten ill and her parents kept it all very quiet, but she never joined secondary school and I simply had to make new friends. It’s all very hazy.

10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmmm…. You can’t escape family can you?

11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh crap! I don’t know! I do get people on twitter commenting on my eyes a lot so maybe I’ll go with that… my eyes.

12 : Something you never get compliments on.

I have never, ever, ever been checked out or hit on by a member of the opposite sex in real life. On twitter and other social media yes, but IRL… not a jot!

13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Green Day,

During my 20’s I had what I call my ‘wilderness years’, where I somehow and unknowns to myself, stopped living consciously. I slobbed out, took my life for granted and became very overweight.

Then one day I woke up and felt different. I felt RAGE that my life had turned out as it had. Your epic album American Idiot was out and I felt as if you were talking directly to me. I used your music to fuel my rage.

I bought every single song you ever recorded and played them as I walked furiously for miles each day, pounding the pavements until I got blisters, working out until I couldn’t move anymore, sweating and shaking with exhaustion.

I lost the weight. I rediscovered who I was before I got lost. I became me again. I wore make up, painted my nails, cared about my appearance, my clothes and my hair.

I became strong and confident.

Your music helped me through a very dark period and for that I’ll always be grateful.

14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Sorry I can’t share this one with you all. It’s too personal.

15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

The OH.

We had some bad years… dreadful years where we both thought seriously about leaving. We found we could never do it. The thought of not being with each other was more painful than the pain being together was causing.

We stuck it out. We fought. We cried. We made it work. It wasn’t easy but then, most things worth having don’t come easy.

Oh… and coffee, me minus coffee is not a thing you want to experience.

16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Toxic people.

Emotional vampires.

Drama queens.





17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I’m struggling with this one because I read fiction, pretty exclusively.

I rarely read non-fiction unless it is for studious reasons. I guess a lot of the text books I read during my Psych degree altered my views on how people are/work/act. Similarly, books I read about trauma and abuse when I trained to be a counselor helped educate me and helped me understand that subject.

18 : Your views on gay marriage.

We are about to have a referendum here in Ireland in a couple of weeks to decide whether to legalize gay marriage or not.

I am firmly in the Yes camp. In fact, I think it is deplorable that we have to have a referendum on it at all! I see this as a fundamental civil rights issue. The propaganda posters for the No vote I see plastered around are bigoted and offensive in the extreme. It reminds me of the bad old days where marriage between different religions or ethnicities were frowned upon.

Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, trans, flexi and everything inbetween… we are all entitled to love.

We are all entitled to equality under the law. I find the ‘arguments’ against gay marriage incomprehensible, illogical and downright homophobic.

I will be out on the day voting YES! I hope it goes through and that future generations look back in amazement that it was ever even an issue.

19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

First of all I think they should never be mixed! Ever.

I do not hold any religious beliefs. I am an atheist and I believe in humanism. I respect that people have different belief systems to me and I believe they have every right to worship whatever god they choose to.

I do think it is wrong to impose your beliefs on anyone else and I think that the tradition of children being baptised and raised in a religion that they had no choosing in is flawed.

Basically I ask that you follow the advice below…


20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I think as long as you are an adult, and you are not harming any one else, you are free to do to your body whatever the hell you choose to.

21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I go and help her! No questions. I’m there right beside her, all fight is forgotten. This is one case where forgiveness comes easy… puts things into perspective. Maybe there is a lesson here for me…

22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Oh man! Just ONE thing? Ha!

Ok… I wish I hadn’t passed on some pretty amazing opportunities I was offered in terms of advancing my education and career. I was too insecure and lacked the self-belief and so I chickened out, which I regret.

23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.

Spent more time getting to know my mother. We had the typical tumultuous teenage years, I moved away at 17 and she died when I was 20 so I never got that time with her.

24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I think a lot of my answers are covered in these posts

25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Wow! The OH, (see No. 07), feeling loved, Lily and Poppy, antidepressants!

26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Again… see No. 7.

And read this post.

27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I guess that I have good friends I can rely on and, yeah you guessed it… the OH! Also, my writing and blogging has had a very positive impact on my life and has brought me so much satisfaction.

28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

This is a tough one. I never felt the maternal thing… I chose, very consciously, not to have children. So, in my youth I would have opted for a termination if I had accidentally gotten pregnant. However, as I have gotten older I have wondered if I made the right choice. Have I missed out on a fundamental human experience? Would I have been a good mother?

I think now if I became pregnant by accident it would be a very different conversation in my head and also with the OH.

To answer this question honestly… I am not sure but I suspect I would be looking at maternity clothes… (The OH reads this and I wonder if he’s googling numbers for vasectomy clinics right now!)

29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

The self-destructive behaviours and thoughts.

If I could get a handle on them I believe I would be a much happier and more contented person. It is a daily struggle for me and I am not very optimistic that I will get there.

(And of course I want long, thick, glossy hair, a perfect figure and shitloads of money.)

30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Oh no! I did NOT see this one coming…

I will think and try to write this one another day…

That was a very interesting, and slightly mood altering, (aka depressing), experiment.

I think I need some quiet time to reflect on things now.

I hope you enjoyed this post and maybe think about having a go yourself? You might learn something about yourself. Please ping back if you do!

Thanks for reading!



Copyright, 2015,

All rights reserved.

The Weekend… (Part 2)

She breathed in deeply as she slid the keycard into the slot of the hotel door, trying to regain some composure. She had checked her reflection in the lift up, fixing her smudged, tear-damaged mascara. It wouldn’t help if he knew she’d been crying, standing alone on a windy beach, thinking about the mess her life had become.

She opened the door to the sound of the TV on and entered the room to see Aidan lying on the bed watching it. He glanced over at her briefly, “Good walk?” She nodded, not trusting her voice not to break if she spoke, and unwrapped her scarf and coat, hanging them in the wardrobe.

“So, what do you want to do about dinner then?” he asked, “Downstairs or across the road?”

She sighed, thinking to herself, “Not even a suggestion of room service and staying in bed together…” but replied, “You choose, whatever you like love”.

“Downstairs then, can’t be arsed making a fuss,” he yawned.

She wondered how he could be tired when all he has done was lie on the bed all day watching TV, feeling irritated at him, perhaps unfairly.

Deciding to give it another try, she walked over to sit at the edge of the bed beside him, “I’m going to take a shower honey, I want to look nice for you this evening,” and she kissed his cheek. A faint look of surprise flitted across his face and he frowned slightly, looking unsure of what to say back. She rose and went to have her shower.

She turned on the shower and undressed in front of the mirror. She missed the feeling of being touched so badly. Looking at her body’s reflection, she traced her hands over her skin, caressing her breasts and stomach. She felt the familiar heat flare up between her legs and stepped under the spray of hot water. Soaping up, she glided her hands over her breasts, pulling on her nipples and enjoying the building throbbing between her thighs. With a handful of suds she lowered her hand and rubbed her clitoris in slow, sensual circles. She imagined him coming into the bathroom and watching her. She imagined the desire on his face as he looked at her naked body under the water, her fingers buried deep inside herself. In her mind, she pictured him opening his trousers and taking out his erect penis, stroking it as he watched her. She started to tremble and could feel the growing pleasure her hand was giving her. Sinking to her knees in the shower, she sat down and spread her legs wide, allowing her easier access to stroke and rub herself. Thinking of him coming in under the spray with her, still dressed and lowering his mouth between her legs to lick where her fingers worked, she threw her head back, eyes squeezed shut as the surge of her orgasm ripped through her body. Breathless and dazed, she opened her eyes to find herself alone in the bathroom, no Aidan watching her.

They sat across from each other reading menus, the buzz of conversations and the clattering of the chefs from the open kitchen emphasizing the silence between them, making it almost deafening.

“Good evening, have you decided what you would like or do you need more time?” the perky young waitress stirs them from their musings.

“Oh! Yes another minute please,” Emma said, at exactly the same moment as he replied, “Yes I’m ready,” and the waitresses eyes flicked between them, unsure.

“Oh no, it’s fine really, I’ll choose, you go first,” she said as Aidan began to open his mouth.

He nodded and ordered his meal and Emma scanned speedily and made her choice. The waitress smiles and leaves them looking at each other.

She reached out for her wine glass and raised it, “To… us! Getting away from real life for a few days,” she smiled as he clinked his glass against hers, returning her smile.

She glanced around the room, watching the other couples and groups talking animatedly and laughing, feeling sad and jealous that Aidan and her were not the same.

She leaned in towards him and whispered, “Let’s pretend this is a first date! So… tell me, what do you Aidan?” she giggled, this was a game she has always tried to make him play.

His eyes rolled skywards and he sighed, “Really Em? Again? You know I fucking hate that shit…” and she cast her eyes down to her place setting in disappointment, trying to stop the tears from coming.

He reached his hand across the table taking hers, “I’m sorry love, I shouldn’t have snapped, I’m just so fucking tired these days and I haven’t the energy for that stuff. Can we just eat?”

“Ok, I’m sorry, it’s fine…” she whispered as the food arrived.

They began to eat, murmuring little sounds of appreciation.

“Here, try some,” he startled her by offering a forkful of his risotto to her and she smiled as she accepted it, grateful that he was trying to make an effort o make up.

“Hmmmm… that’s good! Try mine?” she asked, and made up a forkful from her plate. He reached out for the fork and she stopped him with her free hand, “Nope! Open wide!” she grinned and was pleasantly surprised when he smiled and opened his mouth for her.

“Good! Bit jealous of yours now!” he laughed.

Pouring more wine for them both, she relaxed into her seat, hope once again springing in her heart that maybe, just maybe, they could fix this.

Her eyes watched him eat, taking in his face and body, rounder and fuller than when they first met, but still attractive to her. She loved his humour, when he wasn’t stressed, loved his mind and his knowledge about things she knew little of. They complemented each other well in that regard. She had taught him an appreciation of art, poetry and film over the years and he had imparted his knowledge of geography and history to her. She recalled the late night, wine fuelled discussions and debates they used to enjoy in years gone by and, once again, felt a sadness that these days, although they still drank at night, it was in silence, watching endless TV rather than talking.

Shaking her head to clear it, she looked up at him, smiled and decided that perhaps they should just get drunk and see where the evening ended up.


Copyright, 2015,

All rights reserved.