Dry Spell


Readers, I am frustrated…

I have neglected my blogs for too long, for different reasons.

I have had a very challenging year or two, and it has most definitely impacted on my ability to get my thoughts straight in my mind, never mind getting them down in any coherent form that comes close to anything I would subject my followers to. (FYI: there is absolutely no guarantee that todays post will be any better, but my frustration and need to connect once again has overridden my internal quality control monitor.)

Health issues, both physical and mental, have plagued me and at several times have beaten me down to a point where some days getting dressed or showered has been a triumph. I am trying some new approaches which I hope will help me feel better and, fighting my realistic/fatalistic streak every day, I remind myself of the rewards to be gained from the changes, rather than dwell on how difficult they are to carry out. I have even, my lovely readers, made a chart that is stuck on my fridge! How very “self helpy” can you get?!

There have been days of wonderful positivity where I have wanted nothing more than to open my MacBook and write about all the good things I have in my life – a husband who is also my best friend, who knows all my darkest, ugliest secrets and loves me anyway, who makes me laugh til I cry, two beautiful dogs that bring me so much joy, a secure home to live in, enough money to always go to the ATM and not feel anxious, a garden built by myself and the OH which is peaceful and soul enriching to sit in… but I have not done so for fear of almost cursing my good fortune.

As for my fiction blog and my amateur photography, well, I have simply been feeling about as inspired as a used teabag. Walking used to be my therapy; ideas would come to me as I wandered through town, watching people and places, but I haven’t been out of the house much at all for quite a while, again for several reasons. Part of my new approach is to change this but it is proving more challenging than I thought it would be.

I read writing memes such as #Wicked Wednesday and #Kink of the Week but am left empty and frustrated at my complete writers block. I have entered the wonderful #Sinful Sunday, but only for the prompt weeks as I find right now I really need a push to produce anything.

Given my physical and mental health, I must admit that feeling sexy or sexual has been totally at the bottom of my list for a while now, which given that I am supposedly, (or at least, I once was), a sex blogger, is unhelpful to say the least.

I know it is a long process – lord, I have lived through 40-odd years of the fucking process. It is such a challenge to not get exhausted by it, by the fact that it never seems to have an end date in sight. They, whoever they are, say it’s not the destination that matters but the journey… easy to say when there is a sense that there is any realistic sense of ever reaching the destination, or when the journey is not constantly interrupted by obstacles and diversions. The OH, who I love more than anything, also has more than his fair share of stress and worry and believe me the only thing worse than one depressive is putting two together! He too had a run of bad luck healthwise this past year which has added to the stress and sense of fatigue.

I am hoping that by getting these, not so coherent, thoughts down today it will spur me on to return to writing.

I have found that blogging can be a two faced beast: recording how I feel can result in me reinforcing those feelings, and this is where the risk lies, depending on whether the feelings are positive or self-destructive.

Today I am feeling… ok. I have taken to playing positive music very loudly and it does help, although I am not sure the neighbours would agree.

Today is Friday and the weekend lies ahead and we plan on some serious rest time but I am hoping we will also get out walking, maybe even with my camera, maybe even lunch out.

As for writing… well, I will continue to look at prompts and memes and just hope that my voice comes back to me, (and as a certain quite dreadful writer puts it, “my inner goddess” finds her “salsa moves” again).

I feel a bit of a half person without her.

💋

Copyright, 2017, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

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Here We Go Again…


2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

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Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

Love Yourself Challenge #1


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Happy New Year!

This year I really need to do some serious work on myself to increase my self-esteem and body image. I found this on Pinterest and decided to give the challenge a go…

I do not expect it to be easy… but I think it could be worth a go.


Day 1:

Barefoot, I reach the dizzy height of 153cm. I have actually always liked being short and never wished to be any taller. I think being short is a fundamental part of being “me”. Perhaps my big, outgoing personality is a result of having to overcompensate for not being seen! I am pretty confident socially, never shy to make the fist move or engage with new people. I hope I don’t come across as overbearing in any way; my style is to be interested, (genuinely), in people and ask them questions to draw them out of themselves. I love people and find them endlessly fascinating.

I would like to think I make a good friend and I do always try to make time for people.

I have very green eyes, dark brown hair and pale skin. People tend to comment on my eyes, which is lovely. I inherited their shape from my mother, who had enormous, beautiful eyes with long, full, dark lashes.

Another thing which I got from my mother is less welcome… our family go grey early. I had my first grey hairs in my 20’s and spend plenty of time and money keeping them at bay. I have been black, red, blonde, (very bad idea!), but always return to my dark chocolate colour because I think it suits me best.

Whats else is there about me?

I have tiny feet – size 2, so I buy my shoes mostly in the children’s department which means I do own glittery trainers! My hands are also incredibly small – child sized really, with what I consider quite cute crooked fingers… but then I do tend to prefer imperfections and flaws in people and in most things in life.

I am a very creative person. I love to write, cook and garden and I am most happy tucked away in my craft room making cards for birthdays, Valentine’s, anniversaries, Xmas. Being creative is a part of me I simply cannot control. It’s inherent in me. I am just wired that way.

I am an emotional person. I experience highs that soar, crazy energy bubbles from me, my capacity for play and joy is boundless. But I crash into dark, scary, lows where I struggle to see any light ahead, but I must trust that my mood will lighten as it always does.

I love passionately and deeply. Once you matter to  me, you REALLY matter. I don’t hate anyone. It’s a negative energy I do not want or need in my life. I do however, find it hard to forgive if you hurt me. I think this is probably because I set my standards for friendship high – I give everything and, whether it is reasonable or not, I do desire the same in return. This has resulted in me being very hurt and very let down by people in the past, but I seem to remain hopeful and have not closed myself off from making new friendships and developing new relationships.

My strengths are resilience, optimism, curiosity, kindness and passion.

My weaknesses are impatience, lack of balance, setting my standards impossibly high and a very strong self destructive impulse.

So, that is Day 1 of the challenge completed and I survived! Yay!

Ciao!

💋

ps – how did I forget to say I am simply fucking hilarious to boot!

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.