My Demon


This sums me up.

I have an insanely self-destructive nature. Always have had, for as long as I can remember.

I self-sabotage, self-harm, repeat mistakes whilst fully aware that I am doing so. I drive myself, (and people who care about me), crazy.

I have one massively self-destructive habit in particular that I simply cannot seem to shake off.

My Dark Demon.

I am aware of it; actually, it takes up far too much space in my head every waking, (and frequently dreaming), moment.

I know I need to stop it. I need to confront it and deal with it.

It is detrimental to my health and well-being, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

I have tried to fix this on my own with zero success but I am loath to seek any help from outside.

Why? I do not know.

I tend to think I am a strong person with most aspects of life. I have overcome more than my fair share of adversity and survived.

I generally have this attitude to life:


But this one thing lingers.

Sits on my shoulders and weighs me down.

I feel unable to find that power within myself. It feels impossible. Hopeless.

I know this week is not the week I will conquer this demon, but I truly hope I’ll get there… sooner rather than later.


Copyright, 2015,
All rights reserved.

Writing this was meant to help me focus and work this out. Seems I have failed at that too!

Not So Smart!

I was perched on my high stool at the kitchen counter with my beloved MacBookPro this morning, happily writing a #WickedWednesday story when an iMessage beeped on my iPad, (yep, I am an Apple girl!). I glanced down to check it and saw it was from none other than the OH himself, who incidentally I thought was in the house.


Turns out he was out tidying the car and had managed to get himself locked in.

I burst out laughing and ran to the front door, skidding to a halt halfway down the hall when I realised I couldn’t let this opportunity pass me by. I scurried back to the counter and got the iPad…

I went out to the drive to see him hunched in the back seat, head in his hands, looking embarrassed and defeated. He saw the iPad in my hands and guessing my plan, promptly flipped me the bird. Shaking with laughter, it was all I could do to take the photo.


As I compose this he has just walked in, looked over my shoulder, (incidentally one of my all time pet hates!), and said, “What? You’re doing a fucking post about it?!”

As if I wouldn’t share this with my readers. The story and sight of a grown man who has shamefacedly locked himself in the back seat of his own car is not one to be kept for my eyes only.

He said he might have tried to climb into the front seat but the very likely possibility of getting stuck, (he is the least bendy person ever),  and facing further humiliation outweighed the risk.

I simply told him he was lucky to have brought his phone along… the phone that’s sometimes smarter than him!



p.s. the man just FaceTimed from upstairs a second ago… seriously…

Copyright, 2015,
All rights reserved.

A Lightbulb Moment!

Thanks to Annie and Kayla I have been watching some TED talks by Brené Brown and really enjoying what she has to say.

I completely agree with her stance that vulnerability is never a weakness and that it is the birthplace of creativity and love. Anyone who has followed by blog from day one will have seen that it is how I chose to live my life, as wholeheartedly and honestly as I possibly can.

I believe allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do, and what’s more; its empowering and freeing. Once I own my own faults, fears and flaws I have removed your power to use them against me.

As a woman raised in Catholic Ireland, taught by nuns in convent schools, I understand shame… trust me! I can honestly say it was one of my primary emotions growing up, and when I say growing up, I mean until I hit my late 30s! I was a walking, breathing, living entity of shame. I didn’t just feel shame, I lived it. I was never enough, I was never good enough, I was bad. It was a miserable way to live.

I’m not in complete recovery and, as Brown points out, the only people that do not feel shame are those ones that are incapable of feeling basic human emotions such as love, so none of us can ever be entirely shame free. I still mess up, make mistakes, hurt people I love, and for those things I feel shame. The difference now is I feel shame over things that are appropriate; I no longer, (mostly), feel shame for simply being me.

One thing in the clip I linked to at the top of this post that, as I was cooking in my kitchen, made me pause and actually look at the screen, was where Brown said we should only share our shame stories with those people that have earned the right to hear them.

That line made me stop what I was doing and really think.

I have a massive, and I mean massive, need to connect with people, to share and to build relationships. It is something I simply need to do, it is who I am. For the most part this is a very positive way to be… it means I am open and friendly, I try to make people feel at ease in my company, I try to make people feel better than they do, I try to enhance their lives, if I can. I have no interest in running people down, making them feel small, hurting them.

However, in my desire to build intimacy and relationships, I realise now that I am often too quick to share myself with people. If you have read my blog before, you will be familiar with my posts where I have felt I gave too much of myself to people, where I felt used up and discarded by them, where I have struggled to find the balance between helping others and caring for myself.

I am thinking now, as I sit at my kitchen table, processing the clips I have been watching online, that I was coming at this from the wrong angle.

It is not the fault of those people that I felt had sucked me dry. They simply did what I allowed them to do… I opened up and shared myself and my story with them, and I invited them in. I did this way too soon in the relationship, because I felt I needed to put it all out there in order to build intimacy. I was wrong. I rushed it. I needed to wait it out, let it happen organically… I needed to make them earn the right to my story and to my vulnerability.

I think now that this is simply another one of my self-destructive behaviours, (of which I have several!). But today I have discovered a new one. I am so grateful to have watched the Brené Brown clips, especially the one at the top of the post, because what she said opened my eyes to my maladaptive behaviour.

I need to start being more vigilant about my tendency to open myself too much, too soon in order to satisfy my need to connect. I must stop blaming people for simply taking everything I offered them and take responsibility for my part in it. I need to share my vulnerability and inner world with the right people. I need to wait until they have earned it, because once they have invested enough to have earned it, they will value it.

If I open my house to someone and say “Here, have whatever you want, knock yourself out!” do I really have the right to whinge when they clear me out and walk off with all my stuff? I don’t think so.

I allowed myself to be violated. I did this.

I have a wonderful man who I can share all of me with, my vulnerability, my shame, my ugly and he accepts it. I accept his in return.

I have a great friend that, when I showed her my shame story, didn’t flinch, didn’t judge and simply said, “Me too sister, me too.” I have, (I sincerely hope), done the same for her, (you know who you are!).

Next time I hear that little voice inside telling me to rush the connection, to share too much, I need to listen to her and reply, “No, not yet. You have enough connection that matters. Let this happen if it happens, but there’s no rush. You have enough.”

I am taking responsibility and, in declaring my vulnerability, I am taking control and empowering myself.

One more growing up lesson.

Everyday is a classroom.




Copyright, 2015,
All rights reserved.

It’s Not All About Sex…

I posted what I hope is an interesting piece outlining my developing views on BDSM and what it means to me on my other blog, illicitthoughts. I think that it is worth sharing here, as you guys and gals accompany me on my little journey through life!

So… if you didn’t catch it first time around, here we go again!

love receiving feedback and comments on all three of my blogs.

It makes my day that someone has, not only taken the time to read my stories or articles, but has gone that extra mile and actually shared their thoughts with me.

I will take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to all my readers who have ever left me a comment. If I don’t always reply, it is because I am a WP dimwit that hasn’t checked the Unapproved folder on my dashboard… trust me I value every comment and always try to reply to you!


This post has been prompted by two recent events.

I have a lovely new friend with whom I have been enjoying many truly stimulating and thought-provoking conversations, about all sorts of things, but in particular, our shared interest in BDSM.

Inspired by some of our discussions, I tried my hand at a new angle in my erotic writing, by creating a story based on a relationship between a masochistic sub and her sadist Dom. I loved the challenge of trying to get the dynamics just right, trying to set the mood and recreate the feelings of each party involved in the scene. The level of physical brutality and the language I used in the story was a change of style for me and I found it incredibly liberating to step away from my usual patterns and stretch myself. I was beyond delighted when my friend, (who is much more au fait with the S side of S/M than I am), gave me a glowing thumbs up for accuracy and mood. The next day I was equally thrilled when another friend, this time a female masochist sub, said, “Fuck yes, Yes yes yes. I may or may not be playing with myself to that story rn…” Trust me, as a writer of erotica, THAT is the best review you can get!

However, not all my comments were 100% glowing! (And, for the record, let me say that I never expect to receive only positive feedback. In my opinion all feedback, positive, negative and everything in-between is valuable to me as a writer. There is always room to learn and improve.)

This morning I read a comment from a reader, MyLovingWife, who had been reading my new story “Sir and Little Girl… Knife Play“, perfectly happily until they encountered the word “slut”, which completely threw them and, in their own words, “it turned me off“. My reader also felt that the physical interaction in my story could be seen as “abusive”.

I replied by thanking them, sincerely, for their feedback and clarifying that I never condone abuse in any form and that, in the context of BDSM, the word “slut” is in fact a term of affection or praise even. We entered into an interesting discussion from there and, I’m pleased to say, I do believe we both left it feeling that we understood each other’s points of view much better than we did at the start.

This is another reason I love receiving comments; even ones that could be perceived as negative do not have to lead to confrontation or discord, and can in fact be the spark of an exchange of views and even the start of a new friendship. Personally, I didn’t perceive MyLovingWife’s comments as negative at all. Rather, I identified with their unease with words and descriptions that are foreign or offensive to them, having been there myself several times.

I thought about this encounter, my own ever-developing and altering attitudes towards sex and BDSM, and the conversations between my friend and I, and I felt that writing a piece about what BDSM is, what is means, (to me and to others), would be an interesting exercise, for me, and hopefully, for my readers!

I also expect I will receive comments from people who will have very different opinions and beliefs to mine, as well as from people who are much more well informed and knowledgeable about the world of BDSM than I am.

I welcome it all and expect to learn from anything you guys choose to share with me.

I have always been fascinated by everything to do with paraphilia. The diverse range of things us human beings can be attracted to or aroused by is, it seems, limitless! I have read about the subject… a lot!

Also, I have had a leaning towards BDSM for as long as I can remember having the feeling that I am a sexual being. For me, sexual arousal has alway been linked to power, vulnerability, dominance, submission and yeah… pain! It is simply how I am wired. I struggled with it, denied it, pushed it away for a long time.

I have to tell you, accepting myself as I am, and educating myself about my needs and desires, is perhaps the most liberating experience of my life. I no longer feel embarrassed, ashamed, odd or different.

I am not bad, dirty, (well, yeah I am, but you know what I mean!), disgusting, perverted or sick.

I have a sexual orientation as real and as valid as heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and all the other combinations and permutations you can derive from those!

FYI: If you are reading this, and you consider anything outside of heterosexuality to be wrong in any way, this is not the blog for you, my friend!

So, allow me, if you will, to clear up some common misconceptions about BDSM with a few very useful graphics.


IMG_2989I hope it is clear from these excellent charts that BDSM is an enjoyable, reciprocal and, most importantly, consensual form of relationship between two adults who share complimentary needs.

I have found people in the BDSM world to be some of the most open, caring, nonjudgemental and friendly, welcoming people I have ever encountered. A true Dominant or submissive is highly respectful in their interactions with others and they are usually highly skilled communicators.

People outside the lifestyle struggle to understand the dynamics of a *D/s relationship and do often see it as a form of abuse. The language used in BDSM can be confusing for people outside it. Even I struggled with the word “slut” before I truly understood the way it is used in a BDSM context. To quote a female friend who is a sub, “being called a slut makes me feel like I’ve really achieved something!”

Other subs enjoy being called, “whore”, “bitch”, “little girl”, “little one”, “pet”, “slave”, the list goes on!

To put it simply… as long as the person being called the name is happy to be called it, even derives pleasure from it, surely that is all that matters?

A final point I very much want to make is this… It really, really isn’t all about sex!

That is perhaps the single biggest misconception about BDSM out there. People think that we live this way because it is all about dressing up, tying each other up, slapping, spanking and whipping each other, having all manner of kinky sex… and yes, we do!

But there is so much more to it than that.

Quoting my ever-so-elequant friend who described it as;

It’s meeting needs that cannot be meet in any other way. You’re open and vulnerable in a way you simply aren’t in any other relationship. This is something we need in our souls. What’s more intimate than filling that space in someone’s very core, or they in you? It’s the closest we can get to truly joining our hearts I believe. It’s trust, it’s communication, it’s an exchange of energy. Nothing else comes close in my experience.”

Now… that is definitely about more than wearing latex and handcuffs!

A BDSM relationship will be based on the most honest, intense, soul-baring communication you could possibly imagine. A Dom needs to understand his sub inside out in order to fulfil her needs, and his, without causing her, or him, physical, emotional, psychological or spiritual harm. A sub needs to understand and know her Dom fully, in order to be able to trust her wellbeing and safety to him and, in turn, offer him her greatest gift… her submission.

I have barely scratched the surface of BDSM, believe me!

If I have sparked your interest, there is a wealth of information out there, some true, some false, so be selective what you read. Trust me when I tell you that 50 Shades of Grey is definitely NOT to be considered a handbook!

If you have comments or questions, you know I will be delighted to read and reply to them. If you have more information, or can point me in the direction of more, please do so!

I will end by saying this…

Whatever it is that you like to do, whatever makes you happy, as long as it does no harm to anyone else, just do it, enjoy it and have fun!

Leave self judgement, shame and society’s ignorance and bigotry at the door.

Life is short people! Live it how you want to.

*Note: D/s can be male/female, female/male, male/male, female/female and everything in-between! I simply used Dom/sub in my personal context of male/female

**Many thanks to MyLovingWife and to my lovely friend for inspiring me today! 

Copyright, 2015,

All rights reserved.