I found this on sweetndirty.com’s blog and decided it could be fun to do. I have switched it up and instead of posting one a day for thirty days, I have opted to make them a single blog post, simply because the idea of writing a post every day for thirty days is just making my brain hurt!
01 : Something you hate about yourself.
Where to begin… I have many things I hate about myself, but I think the one that I hate most is my self-destructive nature. I am truly horrible to myself most of the time and it does not serve me in any way, yet I continue to do it. The irony of the situation is that in order to stop I must take steps in the direction of self-care and self-love, which of course is very hard to do if your default position is self-destruction and self-loathing. Go figure…
02 : Something you love about yourself.
Ok… (she swallows in preparation to write something nice about herself…)
I do love that I am a person that genuinely likes and cares about people. I find people fascinating, amazing, funny, lovely, intriguing. Yes there are nasty folk out there, but I believe the majority of them are that way because they are deeply unhappy and not because, to use the OH’s favourite saying, “people are cunts”. People are fundamentally good in my view and deserve compassion, love and acceptance. But then again the OH also says that I live in my own little bubble, so who knows?
03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Oh so many things!
Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad wife.
Fucking up so many times.
Letting myself down. Always letting myself down.
04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.
I have discovered that when someone hurts me I find it incredibly difficult to forgive and forget.
It is probably because if they have the power to hurt me that means I have let them in to my innermost self and have trusted them implicitly, so if they fuck up I feel very betrayed and let down. I am completely aware of how bad this makes me sound and I do not like this aspect of myself. As the well-known quote says, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, I guess perhaps this is another aspect of my self-destructive mentality… Forgiving and letting go would make me feel better and yet I struggle with it. This is something I need to work on.
05 : Something you hope to do in your life.
I do hope to travel more, see more of the world and meet more interesting people. I have been fortunate enough to travel to Jamaica, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, (never again!), England, Scotland, Wales, but that’s not enough!
I want to visit Tokyo so badly, Sweden, Canada, New Zealand, Singapore, Iceland, go coast to coast across the USA, visit my bestie Felicity… and so much more!
My two dogs, the OH’s work schedule and, of course, money are all limiting factors to my dream but hopefully I will get there!
06 : Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I never have to watch anyone I love in pain, which I know is completely unrealistic. I held the hands of both my parents as they took their last painful breaths and it is not a thing I ever want to have to experience again. Sadly, I am realistic enough to know there are very few guarantees that I can escape this awful possibility. Life sucks yeah?
07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.
The OH. As a person who has first hand experience of depression and suicide ideation I can say that knowing the pain and devastation that it would cause him if I were ever to fatally harm myself has been my saving more than once.
I am not of the belief that suicide is a selfish act. I believe it is a desperate, final attempt to escape unbearable pain and suffering and for some people it feels the only option. Perhaps they do not have people in their lives that they feel would be hurt by their death, or perhaps they are simply not in a place where they can see that their death would impact on others.
I have always been fascinated by and drawn to death, (yes I know how weird that makes me sound), so, having contemplated how I would feel if anything were to ever happen to the OH, I clearly understand how much it would hurt him if I were to die… which made me resist the lure of the ultimate escape more than once. I could never do that to him.
On a lighter note, he makes my life worth living because he makes me laugh daily, supports me and loves me and caring for him and looking after him makes me happy.
And my two furry babies make my life worth living, as do my adorable nieces and nephews and godchildren.
08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
I was bullied a bit at school over the years and suffered under some truly terrifying teachers as well, both of which made me dread going to school.
I had shitty, abusive boyfriends that had no clue how to behave in a relationship.
I have family members, alive and dead, that have made me feel like shit many times.
But hey… I’m still here! A bit battered and with bruised self-esteem, but still here.
09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I had a best friend when I was in primary school, called Debbie. At some point during the summer between primary and secondary school she kind of… well, disappeared from my life. I never found out why, I think she may have gotten ill and her parents kept it all very quiet, but she never joined secondary school and I simply had to make new friends. It’s all very hazy.
10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Hmmm…. You can’t escape family can you?
11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Oh crap! I don’t know! I do get people on twitter commenting on my eyes a lot so maybe I’ll go with that… my eyes.
12 : Something you never get compliments on.
I have never, ever, ever been checked out or hit on by a member of the opposite sex in real life. On twitter and other social media yes, but IRL… not a jot!
13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Dear Green Day,
During my 20’s I had what I call my ‘wilderness years’, where I somehow and unknowns to myself, stopped living consciously. I slobbed out, took my life for granted and became very overweight.
Then one day I woke up and felt different. I felt RAGE that my life had turned out as it had. Your epic album American Idiot was out and I felt as if you were talking directly to me. I used your music to fuel my rage.
I bought every single song you ever recorded and played them as I walked furiously for miles each day, pounding the pavements until I got blisters, working out until I couldn’t move anymore, sweating and shaking with exhaustion.
I lost the weight. I rediscovered who I was before I got lost. I became me again. I wore make up, painted my nails, cared about my appearance, my clothes and my hair.
I became strong and confident.
Your music helped me through a very dark period and for that I’ll always be grateful.
14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Sorry I can’t share this one with you all. It’s too personal.
15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
We had some bad years… dreadful years where we both thought seriously about leaving. We found we could never do it. The thought of not being with each other was more painful than the pain being together was causing.
We stuck it out. We fought. We cried. We made it work. It wasn’t easy but then, most things worth having don’t come easy.
Oh… and coffee, me minus coffee is not a thing you want to experience.
16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.
17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
I’m struggling with this one because I read fiction, pretty exclusively.
I rarely read non-fiction unless it is for studious reasons. I guess a lot of the text books I read during my Psych degree altered my views on how people are/work/act. Similarly, books I read about trauma and abuse when I trained to be a counselor helped educate me and helped me understand that subject.
18 : Your views on gay marriage.
We are about to have a referendum here in Ireland in a couple of weeks to decide whether to legalize gay marriage or not.
I am firmly in the Yes camp. In fact, I think it is deplorable that we have to have a referendum on it at all! I see this as a fundamental civil rights issue. The propaganda posters for the No vote I see plastered around are bigoted and offensive in the extreme. It reminds me of the bad old days where marriage between different religions or ethnicities were frowned upon.
Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, trans, flexi and everything inbetween… we are all entitled to love.
We are all entitled to equality under the law. I find the ‘arguments’ against gay marriage incomprehensible, illogical and downright homophobic.
I will be out on the day voting YES! I hope it goes through and that future generations look back in amazement that it was ever even an issue.
19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
First of all I think they should never be mixed! Ever.
I do not hold any religious beliefs. I am an atheist and I believe in humanism. I respect that people have different belief systems to me and I believe they have every right to worship whatever god they choose to.
I do think it is wrong to impose your beliefs on anyone else and I think that the tradition of children being baptised and raised in a religion that they had no choosing in is flawed.
Basically I ask that you follow the advice below…
20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I think as long as you are an adult, and you are not harming any one else, you are free to do to your body whatever the hell you choose to.
21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
I go and help her! No questions. I’m there right beside her, all fight is forgotten. This is one case where forgiveness comes easy… puts things into perspective. Maybe there is a lesson here for me…
22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Oh man! Just ONE thing? Ha!
Ok… I wish I hadn’t passed on some pretty amazing opportunities I was offered in terms of advancing my education and career. I was too insecure and lacked the self-belief and so I chickened out, which I regret.
23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.
Spent more time getting to know my mother. We had the typical tumultuous teenage years, I moved away at 17 and she died when I was 20 so I never got that time with her.
24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
I think a lot of my answers are covered in these posts…
25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Wow! The OH, (see No. 07), feeling loved, Lily and Poppy, antidepressants!
26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Again… see No. 7.
And read this post.
27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?
I guess that I have good friends I can rely on and, yeah you guessed it… the OH! Also, my writing and blogging has had a very positive impact on my life and has brought me so much satisfaction.
28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
This is a tough one. I never felt the maternal thing… I chose, very consciously, not to have children. So, in my youth I would have opted for a termination if I had accidentally gotten pregnant. However, as I have gotten older I have wondered if I made the right choice. Have I missed out on a fundamental human experience? Would I have been a good mother?
I think now if I became pregnant by accident it would be a very different conversation in my head and also with the OH.
To answer this question honestly… I am not sure but I suspect I would be looking at maternity clothes… (The OH reads this and I wonder if he’s googling numbers for vasectomy clinics right now!)
29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
The self-destructive behaviours and thoughts.
If I could get a handle on them I believe I would be a much happier and more contented person. It is a daily struggle for me and I am not very optimistic that I will get there.
(And of course I want long, thick, glossy hair, a perfect figure and shitloads of money.)
30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Oh no! I did NOT see this one coming…
I will think and try to write this one another day…
That was a very interesting, and slightly mood altering, (aka depressing), experiment.
I think I need some quiet time to reflect on things now.
I hope you enjoyed this post and maybe think about having a go yourself? You might learn something about yourself. Please ping back if you do!
Thanks for reading!
Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com
All rights reserved.