Here We Go Again…


2016 was a horrible year. There I said it.

It took so many talented and wonderful people from us.

We had the appalling atrocities in Syria, the refugee crisis and the depressing lack of compassion displayed by people around the world. We had the rise of the far right across Europe. We saw devastating acts of terrorism against ordinary people just living their lives. We had Brexit and its horrendous aftermath which saw some parts of society seeming to think the decision made racism and bigotry a perfectly acceptable thing.

And then we had Trump… I cannot even go there. It still feels unreal.

I noticed so many of my friends struggle with their own physical and mental health and found it very hard to witness. It seemed this year got to everyone in one way or another.

Personally, I had a very rough year. My depression and anxiety peaked and I have yet to come out the other side. My self destructive behaviours hit an all time high; my health has suffered and I feel truly dreadful.

I can sum it up thus:img_7065

But today is the final day of this annus horribilis and we can only hope that 2017 is brighter.

I know I have a very steep mountain to climb in terms of self care and recovery and I am not looking forward to the challenges ahead. To be perfectly honest, it feels pretty impossible right now.

It will not be easy. But, unless I want to, literally, kill myself, I simply have to do it.

I truly hope next year brings you all, my readers and friends, only good things.

I wish you all good health, happiness, good fortune and good times. I know I can be a miserable old cow but underneath it all I really do care about y’all.

Here’s to better days ahead…

img_7064

Ciao

💋

Copyright, 2016, k1kat.com

All rights reserved

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30 Truths


I found this on sweetndirty.com’s blog and decided it could be fun to do. I have switched it up and instead of posting one a day for thirty days, I have opted to make them a single blog post, simply because the idea of writing a post every day for thirty days is just making my brain hurt!

01 : Something you hate about yourself.

Where to begin… I have many things I hate about myself, but I think the one that I hate most is my self-destructive nature. I am truly horrible to myself most of the time and it does not serve me in any way, yet I continue to do it. The irony of the situation is that in order to stop I must take steps in the direction of self-care and self-love, which of course is very hard to do if your default position is self-destruction and self-loathing. Go figure…

02 : Something you love about yourself.

Ok… (she swallows in preparation to write something nice about herself…)

I do love that I am a person that genuinely likes and cares about people. I find people fascinating, amazing, funny, lovely, intriguing. Yes there are nasty folk out there, but I believe the majority of them are that way because they are deeply unhappy and not because, to use the OH’s favourite saying, “people are cunts”. People are fundamentally good in my view and deserve compassion, love and acceptance. But then again the OH also says that I live in my own little bubble, so who knows?

03 : Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Oh so many things!

Being a bad daughter, bad friend, bad wife.

Fucking up so many times.

Letting myself down. Always letting myself down.

04 : Something you have to forgive someone for.

I have discovered that when someone hurts me I find it incredibly difficult to forgive and forget.

It is probably because if they have the power to hurt me that means I have let them in to my innermost self and have trusted them implicitly, so if they fuck up I feel very betrayed and let down. I am completely aware of how bad this makes me sound and I do not like this aspect of myself. As the well-known quote says, “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”, I guess perhaps this is another aspect of my self-destructive mentality… Forgiving and letting go would make me feel better and yet I struggle with it. This is something I need to work on.

05 : Something you hope to do in your life.

I do hope to travel more, see more of the world and meet more interesting people. I have been fortunate enough to travel to Jamaica, Italy, Germany, Spain, Belgium, (never again!), England, Scotland, Wales, but that’s not enough!

I want to visit Tokyo so badly, Sweden, Canada, New Zealand, Singapore, Iceland, go coast to coast across the USA, visit my bestie Felicity… and so much more!

My two dogs, the OH’s work schedule and, of course, money are all limiting factors to my dream but hopefully I will get there!

06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to watch anyone I love in pain, which I know is completely unrealistic. I held the hands of both my parents as they took their last painful breaths and it is not a thing I ever want to have to experience again. Sadly, I am realistic enough to know there are very few guarantees that I can escape this awful possibility. Life sucks yeah?

07 : Someone who has made your life worth living for.

The OH. As a person who has first hand experience of depression and suicide ideation I can say that knowing the pain and devastation that it would cause him if I were ever to fatally harm myself has been my saving more than once.

I am not of the belief that suicide is a selfish act. I believe it is a desperate, final attempt to escape unbearable pain and suffering and for some people it feels the only option. Perhaps they do not have people in their lives that they feel would be hurt by their death, or perhaps they are simply not in a place where they can see that their death would impact on others.

I have always been fascinated by and drawn to death, (yes I know how weird that makes me sound), so, having contemplated how I would feel if anything were to ever happen to the OH, I clearly understand how much it would hurt him if I were to die… which made me resist the lure of the ultimate escape more than once. I could never do that to him.

On a lighter note, he makes my life worth living because he makes me laugh daily, supports me and loves me and caring for him and looking after him makes me happy.

And my two furry babies make my life worth living, as do my adorable nieces and nephews and godchildren.

08 : Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

I was bullied a bit at school over the years and suffered under some truly terrifying teachers as well, both of which made me dread going to school.

I had shitty, abusive boyfriends that had no clue how to behave in a relationship.

I have family members, alive and dead, that have made me feel like shit many times.

But hey… I’m still here! A bit battered and with bruised self-esteem, but still here.

09 : Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I had a best friend when I was in primary school, called Debbie. At some point during the summer between primary and secondary school she kind of… well, disappeared from my life. I never found out why, I think she may have gotten ill and her parents kept it all very quiet, but she never joined secondary school and I simply had to make new friends. It’s all very hazy.

10 : Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Hmmm…. You can’t escape family can you?

11 : Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh crap! I don’t know! I do get people on twitter commenting on my eyes a lot so maybe I’ll go with that… my eyes.

12 : Something you never get compliments on.

I have never, ever, ever been checked out or hit on by a member of the opposite sex in real life. On twitter and other social media yes, but IRL… not a jot!

13 : A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Green Day,

During my 20’s I had what I call my ‘wilderness years’, where I somehow and unknowns to myself, stopped living consciously. I slobbed out, took my life for granted and became very overweight.

Then one day I woke up and felt different. I felt RAGE that my life had turned out as it had. Your epic album American Idiot was out and I felt as if you were talking directly to me. I used your music to fuel my rage.

I bought every single song you ever recorded and played them as I walked furiously for miles each day, pounding the pavements until I got blisters, working out until I couldn’t move anymore, sweating and shaking with exhaustion.

I lost the weight. I rediscovered who I was before I got lost. I became me again. I wore make up, painted my nails, cared about my appearance, my clothes and my hair.

I became strong and confident.

Your music helped me through a very dark period and for that I’ll always be grateful.

14 : A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Sorry I can’t share this one with you all. It’s too personal.

15 : Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

The OH.

We had some bad years… dreadful years where we both thought seriously about leaving. We found we could never do it. The thought of not being with each other was more painful than the pain being together was causing.

We stuck it out. We fought. We cried. We made it work. It wasn’t easy but then, most things worth having don’t come easy.

Oh… and coffee, me minus coffee is not a thing you want to experience.

16 : Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Toxic people.

Emotional vampires.

Drama queens.

Meanness.

Cruelty.

Rudeness.

Bigotry.

17 : A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

I’m struggling with this one because I read fiction, pretty exclusively.

I rarely read non-fiction unless it is for studious reasons. I guess a lot of the text books I read during my Psych degree altered my views on how people are/work/act. Similarly, books I read about trauma and abuse when I trained to be a counselor helped educate me and helped me understand that subject.

18 : Your views on gay marriage.

We are about to have a referendum here in Ireland in a couple of weeks to decide whether to legalize gay marriage or not.

I am firmly in the Yes camp. In fact, I think it is deplorable that we have to have a referendum on it at all! I see this as a fundamental civil rights issue. The propaganda posters for the No vote I see plastered around are bigoted and offensive in the extreme. It reminds me of the bad old days where marriage between different religions or ethnicities were frowned upon.

Gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, trans, flexi and everything inbetween… we are all entitled to love.

We are all entitled to equality under the law. I find the ‘arguments’ against gay marriage incomprehensible, illogical and downright homophobic.

I will be out on the day voting YES! I hope it goes through and that future generations look back in amazement that it was ever even an issue.

19 : What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

First of all I think they should never be mixed! Ever.

I do not hold any religious beliefs. I am an atheist and I believe in humanism. I respect that people have different belief systems to me and I believe they have every right to worship whatever god they choose to.

I do think it is wrong to impose your beliefs on anyone else and I think that the tradition of children being baptised and raised in a religion that they had no choosing in is flawed.

Basically I ask that you follow the advice below…

religion-penis

20 : Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I think as long as you are an adult, and you are not harming any one else, you are free to do to your body whatever the hell you choose to.

21 : (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I go and help her! No questions. I’m there right beside her, all fight is forgotten. This is one case where forgiveness comes easy… puts things into perspective. Maybe there is a lesson here for me…

22 : Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Oh man! Just ONE thing? Ha!

Ok… I wish I hadn’t passed on some pretty amazing opportunities I was offered in terms of advancing my education and career. I was too insecure and lacked the self-belief and so I chickened out, which I regret.

23 : Something you wish you had done in your life.

Spent more time getting to know my mother. We had the typical tumultuous teenage years, I moved away at 17 and she died when I was 20 so I never got that time with her.

24 : Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

I think a lot of my answers are covered in these posts

25 : The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Wow! The OH, (see No. 07), feeling loved, Lily and Poppy, antidepressants!

26 : Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Again… see No. 7.

And read this post.

27 : What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I guess that I have good friends I can rely on and, yeah you guessed it… the OH! Also, my writing and blogging has had a very positive impact on my life and has brought me so much satisfaction.

28 : What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

This is a tough one. I never felt the maternal thing… I chose, very consciously, not to have children. So, in my youth I would have opted for a termination if I had accidentally gotten pregnant. However, as I have gotten older I have wondered if I made the right choice. Have I missed out on a fundamental human experience? Would I have been a good mother?

I think now if I became pregnant by accident it would be a very different conversation in my head and also with the OH.

To answer this question honestly… I am not sure but I suspect I would be looking at maternity clothes… (The OH reads this and I wonder if he’s googling numbers for vasectomy clinics right now!)

29 : Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

The self-destructive behaviours and thoughts.

If I could get a handle on them I believe I would be a much happier and more contented person. It is a daily struggle for me and I am not very optimistic that I will get there.

(And of course I want long, thick, glossy hair, a perfect figure and shitloads of money.)

30 : A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Oh no! I did NOT see this one coming…

I will think and try to write this one another day…


That was a very interesting, and slightly mood altering, (aka depressing), experiment.

I think I need some quiet time to reflect on things now.

I hope you enjoyed this post and maybe think about having a go yourself? You might learn something about yourself. Please ping back if you do!

Thanks for reading!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright, 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

This May Be TMI…!


When I began my quest to share my life, my experiences and my thoughts through this blog, I made a promise to myself and my readers that honesty and ‘realness’ would always be my top priority. I believe people relate to real life, they can smell falseness as easily as they could a burst sewage pipe.

I have been fortunate enough to have received many comments from my lovely followers saying they have identified with things I have written about, whether it was a funny piece about my dogs or my pet peeves, or more personal, serious pieces about my depression and relationship. It gladdens my heart to know that my words have struck a chord with someone. I have made real friendships as a result of some conversations sparked by a comment left by a reader on WP or Twitter.

So… in the spirit of entertaining you and ‘keeping it real, man’, I present to you todays silly story from my life… in all its ridiculous, humiliating and T.M.I. glory.

I hope it makes y’all smile!

The letter arrived… the letter surely all women dread. The smear test is due.

I know of no woman who is happy about making this particular appointment, but it is a necessary evil. A few minutes of discomfort and embarrassment is favourable to the possibility of an undetected cancer cell lurking deep inside.

Am I alone in making sure that I am ‘presentable’ for my appointment? I would never dream of rocking up unshowered, with my lady-garden untended to!

I wonder about the various shapes, sizes and styles of lady parts the nurse sees on a daily basis. I’m sure she encounters many groins she needs to search, ‘David Bellamy-style’, foraging through the undergrowth to reveal the hidden opening. Conversely, she is probably familiar with every possible intimate grooming style, ranging from completely bare, landing strips, patterns, vagazzle, dyed, pierced, tattooed… I am running out of ideas here, innocent that I am!

The day of my test arrived. I showered, (probably for longer than usual, to be honest!), ensured everything was neat and tidy and fit to be seen, put my pretty underwear on… oh yeah! I pull out all the stops!

Lying on the inspection table, naked from the waist down under a towel, (“how many other pubic areas has this been draped over?” I ponder uncomfortably), I engage the nurse in casual chitchat to break the awkwardness of the moment. She is friendly and I start to relax.

She lifts the towel, instructs me to assume the position, adjusts her spotlight, shining it directly up between my spread-eagled legs, and peers at me. I blink and keep my eyes locked on the ceiling. I hear her rip open the plastic cover of the speculum and, from the corner of my eye, see her apply a generous blob of KY Jelly to it. She is back at the end of the table, her head dipped between my thighs, once again having a good old look.

“Oh!” (NOT a good exclamation to hear coming from someone at your nether regions during a pelvic exam), “Wow! You are very small aren’t you?” her head pops up to look at my face.

“Um… I don’t know… am I?” I stutter, feeling ever so slightly mortified.

“Oh yes!” she starting to sound a but excited now… “You’ll need a much smaller speculum,” and she trots off to find the super-small instrument.

Returning to her position between my legs, which are starting to feel cold and ache ever so slightly from being spread wide open for this delayed period of time.

Usually when they are in this position I am, how shall I say this? a tad more active!

She readjusts her spotlight, (“all the better to see you with my dear” …no, she didn’t actually say that), and begins the examination properly.

“Yes…. You REALLY are extraordinarily tiny! So very tiny…” she marvels, as if I am rare and exotic creature.

I lie there thinking, “Jesus! Can you stop?!”, “Should I say thank you for the compliment? Say I’ve never had any complaints? That the OH is a very lucky man?”

I feel the uncontrollable urge to giggle and bite my tongue to stifle it. This has developed into an awkward enough situation, without me howling like a hyena while she has her fingers on my fucking vulva…

It is finally over. She replaces the towel, (I’m still pretty concerned about the hygiene aspect of that), and attends to the paperwork of the test, sealing my contribution in a plastic tube.

“You will need to remember to say next time that you are so very small, ok?” she chirps.

As if I’ll ever forget this encounter!

Walking home, I make a mental note to inform the OH that he is indeed a lucky man… I’m honeymoon fresh!

Ciao!

💋

Copyright 2015, k1kat.com

All rights reserved.

Looking back…


Today a new follower commented on an old post of mine.    (Welcome new follower!)

The comment made me scratch my head in puzzlement. I could not even remember the post, so I had to search back through my blog to find it.

I was actually shocked to read the words I had written. I was clearly in a very bad place when I wrote them. I was hating myself, feeling like a failure and I spoke about myself with contempt.

The sadness and desperation that leapt from the screen felt so incongruent with the way I feel about myself today.

Having been spoiled to pieces by the OH for my birthday yesterday, and the fact that I am actually liking what I see in the mirror these days, I can honestly say that I am in a much better place now.

For a short while, I actually considered going back and deleting the post, as it felt that it doesn’t reflect me as I am today.

I was conflicted. It is not how I feel right now, but it was true when I wrote it.

A comment the OH made over breakfast very much reflected my feelings about some of my older blog pieces…

I have two girlfriends that he knows that I confide in.

One I spoke to a lot at a time when the OH and myself were having a very difficult time. I was deeply unhappy and leaving felt like a real option. She listened to me a lot during that period of time and I will always be grateful for her counsel. The OH is convinced, based on what I told her, that she hates him!

My other friend has gotten to know me more recently and has heard me talk about the OH in a different way entirely, as we have managed to resolves several of our differences since the dark days earlier this year. The OH has even ‘chatted’ to her through me on Skype, as I tell her things he says in response to something she has said. She genuinely likes him, finds him funny, (he is), and thinks, quite correctly, that I am lucky to have him.

So, this morning, after me telling him about my new follower and my delve back into the archives of my blog, he says to me, “You know, if those two ever met each other they would describe two totally different men? One knows one side of me and the other knows a different side.”

I thought about this and I had to agree.

Readers, I do hope you realise that whatever you read here is simply a snapshot of me, and my life, at the given point in time that I am writing.

The KittyKat typing these words today is a very different woman to the one who wrote such a sad and sorry post earlier this year, and for that matter, the KittyKat you might read tomorrow or next week could well be a completely new version of me.

We all change over time.

Me? I change from one day to another.

One day I’m crazy-happy and energised and another day you will find me despondent, tired and irritable. As I have said before, I don’t do grey!

Relationships change too.

The OH and I are in a good place now, but there is no guarantee it will remain that way.

What we have is strong but it is very delicate at the same time.

Our strength comes from a very deep sense of friendship and respect for each other, and as of tomorrow, 23 years of shared history.

Our fragility is that we are very, very different people from the ones we were all those years ago. We grew up together, but some of that was growing apart.

We are very different types of people too.

He is meticulous, slow, focused.

I am a bundle of chaotic energy, creative, sloppy and have way too many projects on the go at any one time.

I am impatient.

He takes forever to get ready, his motto is “five more minutes…”

I am adventurous, rebellious and very open minded, (youngest child syndrome).

He is reserved, conservative and follows the rules, (oldest child syndrome).

However we share a very dark, filthy and disturbed sense of humour, and we have learned to adjust our different personalities to tolerate, if not always approve of, each other’s quirks.

He once said I only ever write negative things about him here.

That may have a nugget of truth, because, when we were in trouble, I vented and released my misery through the cathartic process of writing. I was not in a place to wax lyrical about the man who had hurt and betrayed me, (sorry babe! But it is true, and you know it!).

However, that man has made efforts to change and to understand the way his behaviour damaged us.

That is partnership.

Dealing with the shit that happens, doing what it takes to make things right again, and finally, and this is the hard part, forgiving each other for wrongdoings.

So, to my new follower… that post you read this morning was a 100% accurate portrayal of who I was and where my life was at that point.

If you stick around, you will no doubt see the other sides of me and my life.

Everything I write here is 100% truth, raw and honest. Even if the OH might not like it, or if I offend anyone, (never intentionally), or if I regret it later. Always truth.

I hope you enjoy the ride!

Ciao!

💋

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Copyright, 2014,  k1kat.wordpress.com

All rights reserved.